First, I went o the doctor again, he did an ultrasound. Turns out I have an inflamed infected uterus. The doctor still doesn’t know what to do to help me, I’m on every pill under the sun, lol so please keep me in your prayers!
Pizza is the greatest creation man ever came up with. Gold star for that person.
On the race, I’ve experienced so much freedom, some in small doses, some in huge doses that I didn’t even know happened until after it happened! I’ve also eaten a lot of pizza. Little did I know that pizza would bring a lot of freedom to my life.
My whole life, I’ve been told I’m “too loud”, “too obnoxious”, “laugh to much”, or “can’t be serious” by people I thought were my friends and loved that part of me. It was pretty hurtful. My senior year of high school, my life was “perfect” so I thought. My mom and I were the closest we’ve ever been, I had the “perfect” boyfriend (go read Falling In Love!) and the best friend a girl could ever ask for! I had my three people, that was all that mattered to me. When I really wanted to hop on the Jesús train, I jumped on, all of my “friends” decided they didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, my boyfriend and I fought all the time, until it ended, I only had one friend and my mom.
Because of the hurt, I felt alone. Incredibly alone. I became shy, something I never even knew the definition of before, more quite, I didn’t laugh as much as I cried. I couldn’t even bring myself to start a conversation. I had lost all of my joy. I know this may sound crazy, but for a girl who had “perfect” friends, boyfriend (go read Falling In Love!),and everything else, feeling like I had no one was one of the hardest things I’ve been through. On top of that, I was still trying to figure out what talking to Jesus looked like. I spent months trying to get my ex-boyfriend back (go read Falling In Love!), fighting with my mom and being sad alllll of the time.
When I came on the race, some would think I wasn’t ready, I was a HOT MESS. I could barley talk to my teammates on my first team, Rahab. I could barley laugh, I spent months building walls, Jesus was about to knock em’ right down to! My heart was broken so much, I swear I could feel the pain. I couldn’t be the funny, goofy, loud Sav anymore, I just didn’t know how. The thought of doing ATL (ask the Lord) on the street made me want to pass out thinking about talking to strangers.
One thing I knew I thrived in, was vulnerability, deep conversations bring me so much life. I love talking about what the Lord can do for hours, what he’s done in my life, in your lives. I love having those intimate moments. So, that’s who I was on my first team. I brought vulnerability to the team. For some reason I still couldn’t let myself show too much, I loved/ love my teammates and trust them immensely, but I only let the “crazy Sav” come out once in a while. The first three months of my race, Jesus and I spent knocking down my walls that were made out of some strong cement. I learned how to allow people to love me, all of me.
The first month of India, my team changed. My heart shattered. I’d grown to love my team so much, learned to allow people to be my friend and how to be a friend. The last thing I needed was five different teammates…or so I thought. The first few weeks with my new team, was really hard. I struggled with being vulnerable, for some reason I couldn’t be anything but the “jokester”, the Sav I couldn’t be on my last team! I finally started to laugh again, laugh hard. My new team pulled out this side of Sav that had been missing for months.
When I stepped off the plane from India to Zambia, I could feel my heart change. One day it finally hit me that with everything Jesus and I had been working on, he walked me through freedom in being the joyful girl he made me to be! I was talking to strangers again!! My teammates frequently make the comment that I’m really outgoing, which is a great attribute Jesus has given me. With being that person of boldness and joy that I prayed so hard to be again, I’ve seen how much kingdom it can bring.
I believe that Jesus allowed me to become a shell, to bottle up, just so he could repair my heart and give me my spiritual gifts all new and shiny again. Now, I really know what to do with them. He took out every piece of my heart, allowed to learn what it looked like to seek Him and then gave it back to me in doses he knew I needed it. I’m a COMPLETELY different person now.
I mentioned in s previous blog, that when I have my quite time, I ask Jesus to take me to a place where it’s just He and I. One particular day, I was having an extremely emotional day, I missed home, I wanted my mom, I felt alone and I couldn’t stop crying. So I sat down with Jesus and told Him to take me to a new place. HE TOOK ME TO THE BACK OF A PIZZA PLACE.
We made pizzas, any and every kind of pizza. We cooked and talked, we talked about the hard things. The brokenness still in my heart, forgiveness I needed to walk through, insecurities and so on. Then we ate the pizza, and He just held me, so tight in His arms and I just cried. Although my heart was broken in that moment, I’ve never felt a stronger peace. I’m that moment pizza became more than just pizza. It became a safe place, a place of tears and peace, a place where I could sit with my Jesus and just be.
On Mother’s Day, Mikayla (my teammate) and I went to the cutest little strip mall to get wifi to talk to our moms. There were people leaving the store we went to, which strikes a conversation with two older men, who were leaving. We talked with them for about 45 minutes, we got to talk about the Lord and what we were doing here, hear their thoughts, it was pretty great.
We also spotted a pizza place just next to us!!! So of course, we went! We walked in, and before my brain could catch up to my mouth, I’m asking the head chef if I can help him make our pizza! Just barged right in! Of course, he says yes! We walk back to the kitchen and I’m ready to start making my pizza! I was so ready that I was skipping ahead in my mind. I forgot half the ingredients we needed. I kept saying “and then we do this right?”, the pizza man would say “not yet, not yet”. He handled me with so much patience, really!
I think we do that with Jesus sometimes, we want so badly what he has for us that we forget the process of getting there. If we just dumped all the ingredients on the pizza, it would be a mess! He would never just hand us a messed up pizza (although I’m sure it would be delicious), instead He slows down and makes the whole pie with care and love. He makes sure everything is just right before we eat it! It’s like that with healing a freedom too, he would never give you something that you aren’t ready for yet. Instead he knows just how much we need at the time. Before you know it, the pizza is ready to be eaten!
While making pizza, I got to have this amazing talk with this man I had only met 30 minutes ago about why I loved Jesus. I got to share about my life, and he shared about his. He told me his fears with loving Jesus and I listened. Im that moment, I felt my sweet Jesus. I opened my eyes only to realize, I’d been to that same pizza place on my date with Jesus! I’m both times, He was there. After the pizza was ready, Mikayla and I ate it. It was bomb. I heard His sweet voice that said “this is not the same Savannah that came on the race.”
My whole world shifted then. Jesus had been slowly rolling out the dough, precisely spreading the sauce, and measured out every topping that needed to be on my pizza. He put love, joy, peace, a healed heart, worth and boldness on my pizza, and before I knew it, I was ready.
I received one of the most effective feedback from one of my team memebers the other day she said “Savy Sav, I love that when you smile at people, you really smile, and when they see your smile, their whole face lights up, even if they look like they are having a bad day, your smile bridges the gap.” ITS THE JOY OF THE LORD I TELL YOU, ITS NOT MY SMILE ITS JESUS SMILE! I don’t tell you that to toot my own horn, but because Jesus is just that great. I prayed for that. Eight months ago, I could barely talk to a stranger, much less pray for them or talk about Jesus in a random conversation. Now I’m a girl that walks in a pizza shop and ask the chef, whom I’ve never met before if I can barge in his kitchen and make pizza, and I walk out being friends and sharing who my Jesus is. That my friends, is Jesus.
Also, my team is currently sitting on the floor, carving pumpkins and listening to the Cheetah Girls. My life can’t get much better.
