38 days. I have 38 days left until I’m on a plane to America. When I land in a America, I will have been on 21 planes in the last 9 months. That’s insane.
The past two months have been pretty draining. As I mentioned in my last blog, I’ve been pretty sick. I’ve seen doctor after doctor, and none of them seem to know what’s wrong. It’s strange really, I’ve been vomiting every couple weeks for a few days at a time. It comes out of no where. The doctors know it’s an infection, but they don’t know what it is yet.
It is starting to becoming emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually draining. I’m having trouble trying to see where my Jesus is in this. Being sick, makes me feel alone. Even though, I couldn’t be alone even if I wanted to be. My teammates have been the best friends I could ever ask for. When I’m sick. They are right there holding my hair and praying for me, they’ve been loving, attentive and patient through it all. Although, they say they are fine, they’re drained too. I can see it on their faces, hear it in their voices. They’re tired, they’re worried. They have planned out all my meals (I can’t eat a lot of foods until they figure out what it is, like dairy, sugar etc..), sat at the hospital for hours only to find out that only 3 of the 6 needed tests I need can be done that night. Held me when I cried, and laughed with me when I needed to laugh.
It makes me quit mad at my body and at times, quit mad at Jesus for allowing this to happen to me. It’s been two months, what could He possibly be still trying to teach me? My body is tired, weakness is starting to creep in, my body aches. When I get sick, going home seems to be the only option left. I feel like I couldn’t get on a plane fast enough. Thoughts of “maybe I’m done here, I’ve grown as much as He needed me to”, “is He trying to tell me to go home?”start to creep in and over take my thoughts. My doctor wants me to come home, my family is worried, maybe I should?
I only have 38 days left, these 38 days feel like one of the biggest spiritual fights I’ve ever had. I know I’m not done here, I still have so much to grow in, so much more of His love to share, so many more people to meet and stories to hear. Over the past 8 months, Jesus has taken every part of my heart, parts I didn’t even know were there and made them new. Not just new, but made them glorify Him. I’m not the same person I left America as.
However, I never expected Him to take my health. Something I can’t even fight Him on. I have no control over it. It’s a true faith walk I’ll tell ya. Something I’m pretty good at, is fighting God, these past two months have been learning what it looks like not to fight Him and just give things to Him. It’s a great feeling, not fighting Him. I guess maybe this is another thing He’s teaching me to give to Him?
I know that people have it much worse, I’m not trying to complain or pity myself, trust me I see everyday how people have it worse. I’ve been spending a lot of my time at the hospital lately. I see people laying in the beds, completely helpless and hopeless.
I used to never mind going to the doctor. In fact, I enjoyed it… most of the time. I got to see my rockstar doctor, skip school, Chick-fil-A for lunch and get a sick sticker on the way out. I usually chose the Hannah Montana ones… okay, always chose those. Now, here in Africa, the doctor/ hospital is very different. It is one of the coldest, loneliest, saddest, and most draining places I’ve ever been in. A place filled with heartbreak, needles, anger and urine samples. A place full of darkness. A place where the doctor laughs at the American girl, who is scared and crying. A place where a spirit of fear creeps in and lingers, laughing at the poor people it’s taunting.
Most of all it’s a place where thousands upon thousands of tears are released all over the world, every second. However, it’s also a place where Jesus lays His angles upon, like a blanket. Do you see the mother scared because her baby is sick? There is an angel sitting right next to her, holding her hand. What about the husband yelling at the doctors to find out what’s wrong with his wife? There is an angel gently touching his shoulder. How about the children who won’t see their parent again? He sees them. In fact, there is an angel wrapping his arms around them, giving them the biggest hug.
Even in the darkest, loneliest of hours, He’s there. Even when we can’t feel Him, He there and He won’t leave. A while back, my teammate Kylee told me to physically look for where Jesus is in the room when we can’t feel Him. This may sound crazy, but I swear I can see His angels, maybe not physically, but I can feel them. Now, I love to walk in a room and know where they are. It’s comforting!
I carry this blanket around, it’s may favorite thing I own. A gift given to me by my sweet Grammy, on her last Christmas with us. It’s now been to Ecuador, India and Zambia with me. I have this theory about my blanket that angels, well…live in it. Weird huh? It’s okay if you think it’s weird:) Every time I squeeze my blanket, I swear I can feel Jesus, and of course all the love from my Grammy! I think He purposely sends His love through it, so I feel it every time I hold it. Needless to say, this blanket has come in very handy on the race, especially these last two months.
I was in Ecuador on day and I met a woman, who had no blanket but was cold, call me crazy but I swear I heard Jesus say “lay your blanket on her”. I thought it was weird, but i did. In India, my team took a 9 hour car ride and the man next to me was falling asleep. I heard Jesus say “let him use your blanket” so I tucked it behind his head. Last night at the doctors, I’d been there for about 6 hours when a little girl comes in running fever and vomiting. I then heard Jesus say “give her your blanket”….so, I did.
I believe that His love, power and comfort can come on the smallest things, like a blanket. And His love multiplies. He multiplies. Maybe my blanket is multiplying!
I may not know what’s wrong with my body, but I do KNOW, that He is in the test results. I know that every bone and cell in me is made in His image. I know that my body will submit to Him and line up with His good and perfect will. After all, my body is His not mine. He breathes life into it every second of every day. He will gift for me, because He never asked me to fight anyway. Instead, He promised His victory. He’s in every season, He brings peace and control, out only hope. In these next 38 days, Satan is going to try to attack me in every way possible. Distract me with thoughts of going home. The good news is, Jesus already won and I’m gonna be here, praising my Jesus.
“High on the mountain, I will be lifting my voice and I’m the valley, I will be dancing for joy. In every season, you are worthy, in every moment, you are wonderful.”
