I imagine the day that Peter was following Jesus into Jerusalem he was feeling pretty good. People were throwing palm branches down in front of them and probably shouting and singing some pretty exciting stuff. I’ll bet that Peter was walkin with his chest puffed up and I’m sure he shaved twice that night because of how manly he felt. Peter was a teenager, and I’m almost positive that was the greatest entry into any city he’d ever experienced. I’ll bet he fell asleep thinkin’ about it. In fact, I’m positive that if he’d had an iPhone he would have been tweeting about it, and there’s no doubt he woulda called his mom to tell her about how great being a follower of Jesus felt that day. It’s funny ‘cuz all he’d really done was walk behind Jesus and stared at the donkey’s butt the whole time. It’s not like Jesus performed any great extravagant miracles that day, he simply went from point A to point B on an adolescent donkey and got a lot of attention from it, and yet, I’m sure being Jesus’s right-hand man felt pretty spectacular. Peter was right in the middle of the coolest Jesus-moment, and I’ll bet it was the best day to be a Christian.
I get Peter. I’m sure we would’ve been friends. Peter got to be right in the center of some really cool stuff. Him and Jesus were tight, they did a lot of things together, they traveled from city to city together, and Peter saw some of the greatest miracles Jesus did. Peter even got to be a part of one of my favorite things Jesus did with his disciples; Peter walked on water with Jesus. Peter and I have a lot in common. We’ve traveled the world, preached the gospel, seen miracles, had such a weird life with Jesus, and we’ve had some incredible days with God. We’ve both probably fallen asleep some nights thinking “What in the world just happened today? Jesus is so cool!” The thing about Peter is he had some really cool days as a Christian. We have that in common. The thing is, Peter also had some really rough days, and he didn’t always enjoy what it was like to be a Christian. In fact, Peter had it really tough.
Flash forward only a week after their epic donkey/palm branches/praising entrance into Jerusalem, and Peter is hiding in the shadows, probably dehydrated from all the tears he’d cried that day, terrified because he just watched his best friend and mentor get brutally beaten and killed in the most gruesome way. Peter’s at an all-time low, and I’m sure in that moment, it didn’t feel so hot to be a Christian. In fact, he denied it to some people’s faces, and was overcome by shame and he was hurting because of it. Peter was not in a good spot.
Peter, my man, I’m with you. Sometimes it doesn’t feel so hot to be a Christian.
I wonder if Peter was mad that day. I know he was mad, so mad that he cut off some dude’s ear. He knew who Jesus was, he knew he could do awesome miracles and bring people to life and do anything he wanted, so I imagine Peter’s most Frequently Asked Question that day was “Why?!” Why was Jesus letting people do those things to him?
In my time on the race, I’ve never watched anyone get nailed to a tree or beaten or stabbed, but I have seen some stuff I hadn’t been prepared for. I’ve asked why a lot this year. I’ve had some amazing moments, seen some incredible miracles, and had days like Peter’s, where staring at a donkey’s butt seemed so special and magical and incredible and I’ve fallen asleep in shock and awe of the power of Jesus. But I’ve also had nights where I’ve cried myself to sleep and been scared for my life and asked why so many times. It’s not all been rainbows and butterflies, and lately I’ve really wondered why.
Why aren’t I better? Why is it taking so long to get test results? Why did I have to leave my squad? Why did I spend almost all my time in Africa in a bed? Why am I so miserable? Why is this so hard? Why hasn’t God just healed me? God, are you even listening to me? Do you have a plan in all this? Why is it so hard to believe in you right now?
I’ve been home for almost two weeks and I’m realizing that I’m actually pretty angry right now. I’m upset that I’m away from my squad and my wonderful team that’s stood by me so faithfully. I’m mad at God for letting this happen to me, and I’m mad because right now it sucks to be a Christian. I’m struggling with trusting God.
A month or so ago, my friend Luis opened his application study bible and read about Paul and the thorn in the flesh. Paul prayed three times for the Lord to take his metaphorical thorn and heal him, and God didn’t. An excerpt in the chapter in the bible said that many scholars believe it could have been epilepsy or malaria that was Paul’s thorn. They went on to explain how Paul was pretty miserable with it and wanted healing, but that the God’s answer was no. Paul wound up learning a lot during his bed-rest experience, and even though he wasn’t out doing ministry during that time, he learned empathy, humility, and trust in the Lord. He learned that faith isn’t always a fuzzy feeling.
I’m learning that faith is really not always a feeling, but a choice, and a tough one that I’ve had to choose over and over again since being sick. There’ve been nights where I’ve fallen asleep whispering “I trust you,” out loud because I wasn’t sure I believed it. I’ve been wrestling with God through this, and I’ve gotten pretty frustrated because I’m not sure what He’s doing.
I do not know a lot of things, but I do know that God can use anything. He can use the good, the bad, and the ugly. He can use this, even if I never see the fruit of it. That’s one of the things I’ve been wrestling with. Am I willing to trust that God can and will use this experience, even if I never get to see what that fruit I? Am I willing to believe that He is still good, and faithful, and that He is in control? Am I willing to suffer through this, even if I don’t get a big shiny reward at the end of it? Am I willing to let him teach me through this? Am I willing?
Honestly a big part of me is screaming NO I WANT THIS TO BE DONE NOW! Seriously. But there’s this tiny little part of me, a teeny little voice that’s probably the size of a mustard seed, and it’s whispering “Okay, God.”
