I shouldn’t be here.
Five years ago I was just a kid that had her insides all dark and twisty. I was living a double life, but only just. I wasn’t happy, I felt unfulfilled, and I sought after happiness in whatever ways I could find. I loved church, I loved Young Life, I loved my youth group, but I also loved the world, I loved the wrong kind of crowd, and I loved the rebellious edge that I’d attained. I laughed a lot, I let myself be crazy, I had fun. But at the end of the day I found myself alone in my bedroom empty, hurting, feeling utterly alone and misunderstood.
It makes sense that I felt that way, I wasn’t pursuing Jesus, I wasn’t living for him, we weren’t close, I was just co-existing with the beautiful life He desired for me. I was walking along the edge of a cliff and I knew it, but when people who loved me asked, I put on my Sunday-morning smile mask and told them I was okay, that I wasn’t struggling.
It was such a lie.
Why did I do this to myself? I wish I had a simple answer. I wish I had run to Jesus sooner, I wish I’d fearlessly represented him in high school, but I didn’t. Some friends saw through that, and others loved it. It wasn’t a healthy place to be, and it hurt me.
I started my senior year of high school after the hardest summer of my life. I’d been hurt, I’d been through what I imagine is the closest to hell I’ll ever be, and I was determined to change. I remember sitting with my Young Life leader and telling her that this time I was serious, that I was going to be all in. I remember her smile, it was so real, so genuine and she told me “the fight’s already been won.”
The girl I was five years ago died with the life that she’d lived. That summer ended after a week of summer camp where Redemption was explained for real. Grace finally made sense and it was like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over me, and it was so refreshing. The light at the end of the tunnel I’d been walking was right there.
I am a brand new person. My old sin nature has passed away, and everything has become new. [2nd Corinthians 5:17]
You see, I’d been bound by my failures and insecurities, I felt like a prisoner to my own poor choices. The world was stealing my joy, the devil trying to stomp out and kill the great potential I had with Jesus. Then truth was beautifully placed before me. God looked at me with love. He wanted me to stop fighting a fight that was already won. He redeemed me, and he wanted me to walk in that, he wanted me to run in that!
The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy; I have come that you may have life, and have it to the fullest. John 10:10
Senior year was beautiful. I shook off the chains that’d been weighing me down, looked to Jesus, and began to walk, leaving that tunnel behind me. I still struggled, I wasn’t ready to talk about the past, therefore some things still followed me, but God was not finished with me. I had to fight, and I fell, stumbled along, and definitely made more mistakes, but the chains were gone. I experienced real freedom in the grace Jesus bought for me. When I graduated high school, I was in such an incredible place, I was made new. I felt beautiful, I felt whole, and I had so much hope. This is the life I’ve been walking in since then, and because of that, I’ve experienced the fruit of following Jesus.
No matter my past, I am forgiven of my sins because of the lavishness of His grace upon me. [Ephesians 1:7]
My relationship with my Dad wasn’t always pretty, and even though I still messed up, God took what was once a broken relationship and turned it into something really beautiful. I love my Dad, and now we genuinely enjoy each other and spend time together. My friendships began to become more meaningful, the shallow friends and bad influences began to fall away and true friendships began to emerge, friendships I am so thankful for. My relationship with Jesus became sweet like honey, and my desire to share that kind of freedom was like hot fire in my chest, though I didn’t know how I was going to be able to do it. I met the man I’d been praying for since I was a kid, a man who sees me the way Jesus does and loves me so well, and the man I’m going to marry.
I’m telling you these things because it’s taken a long time for me to own up to the fact that I made some bad choices, had the wrong friends, and that I was not the perfect kid I alluded to be. There was a time I wanted different people to see different sides of me, but now there’s only one me. She’s five feet tall, makes lots of puns, loves awkward conversations, eats too much chipotle, is living a life full of freedom, walks and talks with Jesus every day, and is fully and completely redeemed.
I will not look with disdain upon my weaknesses, I see them as opportunity to display his powerful strength and grace through me. [1 Corinthians 12:9]
So, five years ago I never would have believed you if you’d told me I’d be here, in Africa, literally telling everyone I meet who Jesus has made me. I wouldn’t have wanted to be here.
I shouldn’t be here.
But I am.
And I’m pretty excited about it.
In Christ, God has chosen me as His own and made me strong. He has places His mark on me. He has places His spirit in my heart as a guarantee for all He has promised.
[2 Corinthians 1:21-22]
