Yesterday was a bad day.
Let me premise that with some history. In the last week I’ve been keenly aware of my human downfalls. I’ve been carrying around a weight and I can’t pinpoint exactly what it could be defined as other than a burden that was borderline to heavy for me to handle. I described it to a friend as heavy and overwhelming and I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t really like that I didn’t have a quick remedy for it.
So I started in my bible. I was at work when I was hit with a pang of guilt for not spending more time reading the bible every day, so I read a chapter in Philippians. As uplifting as that single little chapter was, I didn’t feel better. Why wasn’t I feeling even a bit lighter?
I began to pray in my head while I worked, and while I was at walmart (weird combo, I know) and I found myself trying to decide if what I was praying about was even worth praying about. I felt like my words were petty and not “professional” enough for God. I felt like I was praying silly things, and felt like I wasn’t reaching God. I felt small, and really, really inadequate.
This feeling has been following me, creeping up my spine in moments where I feel okay. I’d be distracted and laughing with a friend when a wave of inadequacy would just suddenly be there.
Opening up to my boyfriend about it, he gave me a lot of encouragement and reminded me that of course, when I’m trying to radically make a difference for God, the enemy is going to try to infiltrate my course of action. He also reminded me that when we feel furthest from God is when we realize we need Him the most. Satan wants nothing more than to make this trip not happen. He hates seeing people giving their lives to Jesus. I was reminded to prepare myself for everything to go wrong.
Like usual, he was right. Last week my phone broke and I lost all of my contacts, which makes reaching out to people a bit more difficult. I didn’t realize how much information I had in my phone that I was depending on to help raise funds.
So this brings me to yesterday. It did not go the way I had anticipated it to go. I received some news that directly effected me and ended up at home in my bed feeling really hurt. The results of that news on top of the weight of fundraising and the stress of feeling so inadequate was crushing, and I felt like the enemy was just throwing everything he could at me. I decided to go for a walk.
I stepped out of the front door and headed for a huge and slightly hidden willow tree that sat over a stream down the street. I made it to the tree and sat down on a root that grows right into the water, and I let the sound of the water cover my tears and man, I cried. I’m reading the book Captivating right now by John and Staci Eldridge and in that book at one point, Staci reminds her readers that sometimes we just need to let it out. So that’s what I did. I cried and cried and let myself feel all the emotions I was feeling. And then I stopped, and I got up, and I went home.
I walked into my bedroom and sat down and a song came into my head that is pretty well known in the church. “Forever Reign” was stuck on repeat in my head.
You are light when the darkness closes in,
You are hope, and have covered all my sin.
You are Peace when my fear is crippling
You are joy, You’re the reason that I sing
These simple words sunk deep into my heart and this time I cried but it was for forgiveness. I had doubted his power, and his love, and I was feeling so uneasy.
This is not how he designed us to live.
Last night as I laid in bed thinking about the events of the day, I felt so many emotions, and I felt that stress welling up again. I felt that overwhelming feeling and I felt the inadequacy there. This is where it gets slightly uncomfortable.
I got on my face before the Lord and rebuked the doubt and fear. I prayed in Jesus’ name to crush the fear and the weight I’ve been carrying around. I cried again. I asked to be held and I asked for confidence in Christ.
Guys, I know that I can’t raise $5,000 in a month, but I do know that God can. I know that He designed me to live a life proud of who I am in Him, not to live a life of fear.
2 Timothy 1:7 says “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of Power, Love and Good Judgment.”
Guess what guys. When I woke up this morning, I was $1,150 closer to my goal than I was yesterday. That is a lot of money. God is faithful, and I still have a long way to go, but He is powerful, and if he wants me on this amazing journey, He will put me there.
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
