Being real isn’t all that easy but it’s absolutely worth it.
I was having one on one time just now with a teammate, discussing where I am making efforts to improve and my journey at this point, and also sharing feedback to her about how I’ve perceived her. This teammate is my most challenging, but also the person who has been the most intentional about getting to know the real me. She digs deeper when she asks about my day. She gives me space to process and share while encouraging me, and helping me to see truth.
I mentioned to her that I read other blogs and am so glad for the stories of abandonment and joy that some squadmates are experiencing. It’s so beautiful and they’re so positive. I look forward to reading those blogs. I want what they have, not in the sense of totally comparing myself, but in reality! A reason why I came on the race is to grow in my perspectives and general thankfulness. I want to fall in love with people who are happy with less, and learn to be more like them. To meet people who live in a hut, eat little, and praise God much. I am still not where I want to be. I find myself missing the comforts of home such as salad dressing and real coffee, internally complaining about how empanadas tend to have olives which I don’t like, and how I miss 2 ply toilet paper. I am ungrateful, negative, and selfish at worst. One of our “journey marker” questions was about how well we are embracing abandonment. I have not been fully embracing this which I recognize. I know my breakthrough of joy is on the other side of that abandonment.
My teammate said I should blog what we were discussing. It is a step into authenticity and not caring about what others think. So this is that blog.
She asked me, “Rhi, what do you think God wants from you?” I said, “To surrender more, to embrace this journey and allow Him to move in me.” She said back, “He wants you to know that you’re loved, and beautiful, and that your perspective is needed. That you see the world in a certain beautiful way and he loves that. He wants you to spend time with Him.” I may not have said that all perfectly but she’s right. I am loved and I have to live from that. I have to believe it and own it. How can I tell others of this beautiful lifechanging love if I’m not living from that myself? Knowing the Father is knowing His love.
This month has been life changing but not for the reasons I’ve previously discussed but because I am learning about myself. Some thoughts and behaviors have to change. Admitting that is the first step and doing it is the next. Coming before God and others acknowledging and repenting. My heart is growing softer and I am becoming more aware. It means admitting fault, welcoming feedback no matter the cost, and choosing others above self. I won’t always get it right, but I want this. The relationships and growth are worth the discomfort, and it is necessary to live the life I want. God has called us to be different and that’s part of this journey.
