Two weeks ago my brother wrote a guest blog for me and it touched my heart in so many ways. The first being, how amazing is my brother? I think it is obvious through his words that he is one of the kindest, most real and open hearted person I know. He truly is my best friend in life and I feel honored to have him in my life.
The second way it touched me was realizing how emotional my re-entry might be for the people receiving me. This is honestly something I have not processed much. I have so many mixed emotions coming home but my mind has been so focused on how I will feel, not others.
I decided to write a blog about my perspective in response to some of the anticipations that others and myself might be experiencing as I prepare to come back to America.
Yes, I am so incredibly excited to come home. I am excited to see all the people I love and do life with. I am excited for a bed. I am excited for clean clothes. I am excited for running water. I am extra excited for a car. I am excited for freedom to be on my own and so much more.
But I am so scared. Honestly, fear captures my mind a lot of times when I think about returning to America. I feel overwhelmed when I think about the lifestyle, the people, culture, the STUFF, and the busyness of life. I am nervous to go back to living so comfortably. I am sad to think about leaving such strong community. I freak out when I imagine a grocery store and all the options. I cant even imagine having constant data and for people to be able to get a hold of me 24/7.
These are just the small things though. Fear seeps into my head and heart when I think about my people. What will they think of me? Will I seem different? Will they still love me and want to hang out with me? Will I be too “christiany” for them? Will they even want to hear about my year? Will anyone be open to even believing my crazy stories and experiences?
These are the questions that swarm my mind.
I know they might seem silly but I have been living in a “pressure-cooker”. An environment where we are growing at a rapid pace… learning, living and experiencing things that stretch us each and everyday. I am different because of this lifestyle and journey. I am different and I don’t know what people will think.
I do know one thing, and that is I love each every person in my life the exact same, if not more. This year has been an incredible opportunity for me to reflect on all the love and support I have received to get me here. I have been blown away by the friends and family who have really pursued me this year while on the race. People who have donated and followed my journey.
If you are one of those people, I never want you to feel nervous for who I am retuning as. I promise you the Regan you sent off is the same, but hopefully an improved version.
A teammate once told me an analogy about how our friends might see us when coming home. She said we are all big pieces of clay being molded our whole lives. Our maker, God is always stretching us, moving pieces, and shaping us to make us into his masterpieces. As we get older you can see more and more of who we are and the beauty in how we have been molded. She told me that when I go home I will have been molded a lot. I will have been shaped in more ways than most people because this whole year is focused on God’s hand over our lives. This year we are really seeking to see the beauty in how he has created us.
She told me that when I go home my friends and family will be able to see my molded creation more clearly. I will have a clearer picture too, which will make me more confident in my own beauty and uniqueness in how God has made me.
I asked her, “what if people don’t see it?”
She said if people cant see the changes in your newfound beauty than they are not taking the time to look.
This was a really powerful analogy for me.
The next thought that comes into my mind is “What if people don’t like what they see?”
If these changes, molds and new ways are truly centered to my authentic self than I pray people will like the woman God has created me to be. I would like to say, if they don’t than they are not worth being in my life. However, the insecurity of being accepted often rules over my heart. This is where we compromise for the acceptance of others, but it is not necessary.
I have realized that some relationships in my life previous to the race are not healthy for me anymore and I will be making changes to surround myself with very intentional community. However, I hope others can see how transforming this year has been for me in such healthy and positive ways. I feel more like myself now than I ever have before and can see who God has made me to be. I feel proud to be Regan with all the flaws and strengths the Lord has given me.
I know this is not just true for me this year, but so many people at home. I know there will be changes in my friends and family and the culture around me. There will be molds in your lives too and I can’t wait to see them. Like my brother said, all we can do as this re-entry approaches is to talk with open-curious hearts and know that our relationships can deepen as we live out of our authentic selves that God has made us to be.
Clay, thank you for always inspiring me to open my heart to different perspectives. Thank you for being there for me every step of my way and always being open to my faith journey. Thank you for listening and opening your heart to know and see me. I can’t wait to see you and see how you have been molded this year. I love you so much.
