Preface: As I explained in my last blog, I have a hard time writing for other people so I am going to start posting some of my journal entry’s & hope that my random thoughts here and there come off across clearly 🙂
In one year from now I will be back here. Standing on this mountain, one of my favorite views in the world. Every time I climb I keep my eyes on the cross above me and can’t help but think of what it was like for Jesus to carry his cross to his death. To climb and know that he was dying for his people. I think about the pain he must of endured, the emotions running through his mind & how heartbreaking the whole scene must have been.
Every time I reach the top of the mountain, I feel the Holy Spirit. I overlook the mountains and gaze my eyes on the the green land that goes on for miles and miles without a soul. For some it may feel lonely but right here right now, I know God is here. As I sit here I think about what it will be like to carry my own cross this next year on the World Race. What are the things I will have to endure for my people? What pain or heartbreak will I encounter? Who will be by my side? How will I have to die to my old self to be created new?
People keep telling me,”you will be a different person when you come back”… while I agree with that my mind becomes overwhelmed with all the change that would have to happen for me to become a different person. Yes, I will “have seen things” & I will probably appreciate my American lifestyle so much more, but I want more than that. I want to become more like Jesus. I don’t just want to have more patience and compassion, I want to really learn what it means to live a life to serve others. I want to come back with the fire and heart for this world just as Jesus did, and right now I just don’t have that.
I feel lost in what my calling or profession should be. I feel worried about where I will live. I feel confused about my priorities now that I have free will to live my life without school or the next step given to me. I feel heartbroken by some of my relationships. I feel guilty about certain attitudes and actions I lived out this year. I feel triggered by things I have not forgiven. I feel lost in who Jesus is in my westernized culture. I am a mess in my emotions. But that’s okay. I am not going on this journey to “find myself” and avoid “the real world”. I am going to discover who Jesus really is. I am going so that I can set the foundation of my life rooted in the truth of the one who created me. I am going so that I can go live the life Jesus called me to. A life to serve and explore, to adventure & give up my tightly held control. I want to see a glimpse of what Jesus did in his classroom, the road, the world, mountaintops & rivers. I have no idea what to expect, but God has called me so here I am ready to go.
