Before this trip, my life was definitely different. Aside from a few struggles I was going through, life was going well. I was in a salon working my way up to more hours doing hair, the one thing I have found that I truly enjoy doing. Besides work, I was going out with friends all the time and just trying to have fun in life. I made a lot of new friends and thought things were going alright. Then I began to realize I was in denial of what I was really feeling. I was saying I was alright but on the inside, a little bit of me was dying. I started living a life I was most definitely not proud of. I was going out with friends to places I didn’t need to be. I was lying about where I was because I knew my family wouldn’t agree and I would be a disappointment. I grew up in a Christian home and even though we weren’t perfect, I couldn’t ask for a more loving family. Since my sisters and I were little we were taught how drinking and getting drunk wasn’t right. I never drank at all in high school or for a long time after that but then I started. It began with just a drink here and there and increasingly got worse. I got to this point where I was struggling with different things in my life and was just done and stopped caring about myself. The drinking started to become an every weekend thing and usually, I was lying about it. I had such a bad experience and literally hit rock bottom. The next day I got up and went to work feeling so down and just horrible. One of my best friends was coming in to get her hair done and I just remember talking to her on the phone before I got there just telling her how ashamed I was of myself. That person I was becoming was not the person I am or the person I wanted to be. It was definitely not the person God called me to be. This life of drinking and going out was the life I said I would never live. I remember her telling me that maybe I needed to stop going out and hanging out with certain people. As simple as that answer was, and knowing that’s what I needed to do already, I needed to hear that. I guess you can say I was very lost at this point. I wasn’t sure where God was calling me, why certain things kept failing in my life, or why I was having such a hard time figuring it all out and I just couldn’t hear from God.
I had signed up for the World Race for so many different reasons. It was something I had dreamed about doing for so long but never thought it was something I’d ever be able to do. I was desperate to find God and the things He had for me. Growing up in church, I knew He had more for me and I was done with all the hurt I was finding in my life. I knew in order to connect with God on the level I needed and wanted to, I had to leave my surroundings and everything I was finding myself caught up in. I just knew this life I was living was not the one for me and not one I desired any longer. Bible study was every Tuesday night and I started going faithfully. This meant making sure I was off work in time to make it every week and committing to not missing church on Sundays either. I started focusing on my trip and what I needed to do to prepare, from fundraisers to getting all my equipment and hiking. I stopped spending time with people I was going out with because I knew I couldn’t put myself in that environment anymore. The people I was still talking to made sure they knew I wouldn’t be putting myself into those situations anymore. Most importantly, I started focusing on God. I began to see my life change, step by step. God was moving in me and I was learning more about Him and getting excited to know Him on a deeper level. The desire to go out and drink no longer existed and it has no part of my life anymore. You could say I was getting back on the right track. However, I wasn’t completely there yet.
It wasn’t until I was on this trip that I really started to see God moving in my life- not that He wasn’t moving before but I was having a really hard time listening and seeing it. While in my first month in Colombia, I had to make some hard decisions in my life on relationships back home. It wasn’t an easy decision but I know God will bless the decision in the end. He was showing me how to trust in Him and have faith in everything. After all, He’s never going to leave nor forsake us. Although it wasn’t an easy decision, He brought me a lot of peace. Month two in Ecuador, I worked a lot on praying in faith, praying in a new way in which I knew that God would answer my prayers in His timing, whether that’s right away or down the road. I stopped doubting His ability to answer them or whether He would or not because I know that He will. I also found a new way of connecting with Him through art which brings me so much peace and joy. This month in Peru started off hard. We have been put at an orphanage for the first three weeks in the middle of nowhere and four hours from the city we thought we would be working in. For me, this was exciting and I couldn’t wait to get out to the country. It was something a little more normal for me. Home for me is in a small town, Hillsboro, Missouri. Being in the country is so comforting to me; I love being surrounded by animals, nature and just being able to go for a walk when I want to. On our way to Cachora, Peru I was excited for the chance to work at the orphanage with all the kids. When we hit that gravel road and I saw farm animals all around, I was overjoyed. This is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. The orphanage is in the middle of nowhere with mountains all around. Theres no wifi or anyway to connect with anyone outside of here. When we have time, we’re able to walk an hour to town which consists of a school and a couple shops with a few snacks and supplies. There’s one or two places that have very little wifi that is really just enough to post blogs before it may or may not kick you off.
Our ministry isn’t what we were thinking it would be. We thought we were going to be spending a lot of time with the kids but they go to school during the day so we do things around here. There’s not always a lot for us to do and some days we have a lot of free time on our hands. The devil has been working on my team this month, really using that free time to try and sneak in and discourage us. As excited as I was to be here and out in the country, I was struggling myself. I have been missing home a lot, feeling left out for no reason, being discouraged and easily aggravated. The devil was using this opportunity to try and sneak in. All these feelings I was having were definitely not of God and I was not going to keep putting up with them. I began to pray and ask God to remove these from my life and I started to use my free time to paint, read my bible, and focus on God in every way. God immediately changed my attitude and feelings. I was finding more joy in the things we were doing and the time I was spending with my team and people around me. At times, it feels like its still hard to hear from God but I’m learning. He’s teaching me so much about having faith in Him on this trip. I’ve found God in new ways this month that have been different then other months. Here I have been able to sit outside and look at the mountains and everything around me and just feel the peace and love of God through His creation surrounding me. To feel the breeze or the sunshine hit you and just know everything was created by the same God. I have found so much joy and peace through sitting down and painting for a period of time just thinking about how I can bless someone with my paintings and listening to music and praising God all at the same time. He has shown me how simple prayers and pressing into Him can change everything. All prayers will be answered and He will change your attitude. I am starting to find and believe in the truths God says about me and who I am: how I am perfectly made in His image, that I’m chosen, His masterpiece, loved, important and so many other things that I never believed about myself before. These past three months are only the beginning but a huge step towards finding who I truly am. God has helped me realize the person I was then is not the person I was called to be and even though I’m not proud of that period of my life, I can now use it as a testimony. It is a testimony of how God brought me out of this deep, dark hole I found myself in and brought me to the light He was holding up for me so that I could look in the mirror and see the beauty He has created me to be inside and out. I’m like a flower growing and blossoming with every drop of water and sunlight the Lord shines down on me. Although I’m learning and my roots are now planted completely in the Father, I still have so much more growth to do before reaching the fullness He has for me. I was lost but now I’m found. This statement explains my journey with God in so many ways. Never give up because when you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. If you get to that point and you start going back up, just keep going (or as Dory would say, “Just keep swimming”) because the higher you go, the closer you get to God and there’s no better place to be. God loves us so much and only wants the best for us. His plans are greater than any we could ever imagine. So keep your head up and keep pushing forward and ask for His help. He’ll guide you through.
You all are so amazing and whether I know you or not you are special to me because you are special to God. I love you all and hope that you find the love, peace and answers you may be looking for in God.
I’m not done growing and truly never will be. This trip is a huge part of my growing process and I am not fully funded yet. If this blog touched you in any way please consider partnering with me through prayers or donations. If you feel called to donate you can do that on my main page above.
Thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. Because of your partnership, I am able to not only find myself, but introduce God to people all over the world who may need Him just as much as I do. Prayers and blessings to you all.
Love Always, Paxtyn!
