As I strapped on my seatbelt and pulled my car out of my driveway, I began to feel it.
That nausea that I felt in the pit of my stomach for the first six months of my Race.
The rapid heart beat that had recently crept back into my life.
And I felt angry.
Was it only two weeks ago that I stood in front of my church and pointed to God’s faithfulness in healing me from this?
Was it two weeks ago that I boldly proclaimed that I felt confident and at peace going into this season?
Why then was I feeling the lies and doubts and anxiety flooding back in?
“Did you even change?” The enemy whispered in my ear.
The lies grew louder and louder as I drove and I began to lose feeling in my limbs. My heart pounding, I wasn’t sure I could make it to lunch.
In the middle of the highway, I was determined I needed to pull over. Panicked, all I wanted to do was turn around. To be home in my bed.
Breathe in four. Breathe out four.
Shaking, I sat and prayed in a parking lot.
And, after a phone call with my mom debating whether I needed to be picked up, in obedience, I pulled out of that parking lot.
I still went to the lunch, albeit 20 minutes late.
Because God’s stories—the things I experienced over this past year—are worth sharing despite my discomfort and despite my fears.
Despite the fact that I don’t have a clear answer to the question ‘what’s next?’
A few days later, I boarded a plane to PSL.
Unsure of if I even wanted to go anymore.
Still battling my raging anxiety.
Fixated on plans that had been falling apart.
And, staring at the lie that has plagued me time after time: I am unwanted.
Yet, PSL was exactly where I needed to be.
As I struggled justifying how I had grown on the Race with who I was before and what American culture was telling me I needed to be, I found myself back with people who could remind me who I had become.
They breathed life and identity into me.
I was reminded to look back at God’s faithfulness and apply it to my future.
But, most of all, I was reminded to trust.
And, that trust isn’t passive.
And, how obedience builds trust.
And, that obedience begins in the small things. Like pulling out of the parking lot. Or boarding the plane.
So, as I step into this next season, I want to be asking God daily where I can be obedient.
And, as the enemy feeds me lies, I remind myself that all he has are words. He has no authority over me.
So, regardless of the lies, I’ll continue to step out in trust and obedience.
And, as I flew home, this is the scripture the Lord gave to me:
“I sought the Lord, and He answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” -Psalm 34:4-5
