India has been tiring, I am emotionally , mentally and physically. I don’t know what it is but I am drained and tired to the point where I get a good night’s sleep and I wake up feeling like I ran a marathon without training or preparing. my knees hurt, joints are aching, my body is just not feeling like it’s normal self. I would do so well and have such a fun, wonderful day and BAM, back on my butt I would end up. SIGH
I could blame it on all the rice have been eating.(we eat 4 to 5 times a day, all rice or rice products included. breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner and in between there’s chia tea breaks.)
I have been feeling defeated and weak, I have been feeling like just quitting and doing the rest of the race with just myself and God. However I am not a quieter and the thought of giving up on community and the people around me has been breaking my heart and causing me to hurt more.
What do you do when you are living in community and feel like giving up, well this month we have working wifi so I found myself going to our room, putting on my headphones and watching movies, reading a book or texting people back home. Just enough to get away for a few hours and it was working, except I also knew it was an unhealthy cooping mechanism (insert sarcasm >yay for all those psyche classes).
So after two days I have had about enough of myself and how I was feeling so I told pride to go kick salt with an open wound and I text our coaches with a text of help and I need pray, I word vomit and told them exactly how defeated and weak I was feeling and I have had about enough and than I went to God and continued bawling my eyes out screaming out for help.
Picture a child who is tired, hungry, sick and all they want is their mother, that is how I went to God, defeated and ALL I wanted was HIM, I told Him that I give up, I give up on this community living poop crap (yeah I say poop crap, come see me) and I just want to live with Him on a mountain top somewhere, I was willing to finish the World Race but solo dolo (Alone). I sat waiting for Him to answer ….. Nada. I felt like I should go listen to my morning devotional meditation App Abide (shout out to J-Money for sharing this with our squad).
There I sat breathing in and out, listening to some soothing music and the voice speaking and asking me to pray and than BAM!!
1 Timothy 6:12 “Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”
I sat there and just read this scripture over and over and I felt a release and I felt myself coming back
God: Do you know what fighters do when there’s no war to be fought? They practice daily, none stop. Why? Because they are fighters, they do not stop fighting because the war is over. You my love are a fighter, yes you have joy, compassion and all the other gifts but fighter is what I created you for. I created you to fight for justice, freedom, my children, yourself and fight for people to be seen long enough to be released from bondage. Soooo please fight!! Take up your armor my love and fight the fight with me, for my causes and just fight.
The weakness left me, my, well God’s strength filled me and I breathe in and let out all the worry and hesitation. I went to my team and I told them what God had told me and I told them that I am going to fight, I am going to fight for us to practice more worship songs, I am going to fight for us to sit and write sermons even if I make it my team time (can’t run from team time), I am going to fight to make sure that God is represented with order and peace. I am going to fight to be heard and understood, I am going to fight to make the rest of MY race the best and leave thriving and on fire, like FLAMING!!!!!! I told them I am going to be the me that I am and if the feedback comes, than it comes but I can no longer hide who I am because the spirit of offense is showing his face, no no, no mas (no more).
So here’s to being ME, sarcastic, fun, fighter, lover, friend, honest, vulnerable, real ME!! (yes I will do it all in love, calm down now, I am still repping Jesus).
OHHH Yeah I almost forgot the greatest news of all…..
It’s my BirthMONTH!! Yes I am that person who celebrates her birthday for the whole month, see my birthday is March 29th so I can celebrate the whole month, at least till the 29th so join me in celebrating by praying for V Squad, our leadership, teams and myself that we finish this race FLAMING and thriving, true thriving not that fake poop crap!
