So for years now I have been claustrophobic. It took me a long time to figure out that the feeling of smothering or that there was no air or feeling trapped actually had a name. It has been with me through my life and has reared its ugly symptoms many times in my life. I remember that suffocating feeling when I was in a haunted house, on a Boy Scout caving trip with my son and even today as I get on a crowded elevator. I never knew just what it was that was wrong with me until I had a MRI. I remember being put in the MRI machine for the first time and being told if you need anything just holler. They said “we can hear you.” As I settled down and the machine moved I remember starting to get those suffocating feelings again. It was like I was smothering. I remember barely squeaking out “I can’t breathe” and they instantly jerked me out and announced I was claustrophobic. I had held my breath that entire time depriving myself of oxygen while in the MRI and I didn’t even realize it. I was gasping for air and all I needed to do was inhale and exhale.
Fast forward to now. Because I am aware of this personal condition, I try to not let myself get in circumstances that will trigger this but I have to admit to you that as I have muddled through this World Race Journey with Niki I have been unknowingly holding my breath. We are finally getting near the end ~ folks can you believe we are starting month 10? And all of a sudden I have this strange feeling that I can let myself breath. I feel myself exhaling. What? Have I been holding my breath this entire time? Have I really not been as trusting as I thought I was? To be honest with you, I think I have not allowed myself to really breathe much because of that ugly word that keeps creeping up FEAR. I know who the author of fear is and I honestly did not realize I was doing this.
Take a deep breath through your nose, hold it in for a few seconds, then slowly and with control let it out. One good, deep breath takes maybe 15 seconds, right? In light of eternity, that breath represents the length of our individual lives. It represents our mortality.
Not only is every breath we take a representation of the brevity of life, it also represents the single biggest element on this earth that we need to survive. Someone once said that a person can survive weeks without food, days without water but only minutes without oxygen.
Read Psalm 39 to get David’s take on the fact that life is so brief. Verses 5 and 11 of Psalm 39 specifically speak about man’s life being but a “mere breath,” but the entire Psalm really holds the theme of life being fleeting and empty apart from God. Because life is so brief, David is appealing to God for mercy. Really, a reading through the Psalms, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes produces a better understanding of how life is truly a blink of the eye. But isn’t it ironic that we spend so much time obtaining security in this life where we spend so very little time in comparison to eternity? Grasping and being continually reminded of life being a “mere breath,” can help us understand the gift of life on this earth that we are given but even more so the gift of eternity in Heaven that is offered to us.
This week I had a conversation with Niki that made me really realize that I can exhale. It really is not anything profound. Let me ask you, have you ever had those good deep in the belly, hysterical laughing fits? One of those where you snort because you are laughing so hard and then you can’t even explain what you are laughing over and most of the time it really isn’t that funny. I have realized that although I have smiled and laughed a bit in the last 9 months, I have not had a good deep in the belly hysterical laugh ~ that was until I was talking to Niki the other day. It was over something silly and I remember just letting it out. Why have I been holding these in? Was I feeling guilty for laughing without Niki? That is crazy. Was I afraid to breath in fear that something bad would happen? I do not have the answers but I do know that putting my trust in the LORD has shown me that He is faithful and that He listens. As one of my favorite songs goes “It’s Your breath in our lungs so we pour out our praise” so with as many breathes that I have left, I will continue to breath and pour out my thankfulness.
Thanks again to all of you for sharing this journey with us and sticking it out this far. Niki is spending month 10 in Malaysia. In Malaysia it is illegal to share the gospel or lead others to convert to Christianity. In fact, if you are Malaysian you are born into Islam and it is illegal for them to convert to any other religion. Please pray for her and the teams to not let fear stop them from boldly proclaiming His name or sharing with the people that God puts in their path. Pray that they will just breathe ~inhaling and exhaling His wonderful and marvelous love.
Hugs ~ Debbie (Niki’s Mom)
