So it’s hard for me to believe that my baby girl has been gone only 38 days. Sometimes it feels like she has only been gone a few days and other times (like today) it feels like she has been gone 6 months.
Things still felt like a whirl wind of her leaving in August and honestly my month was just not normal.
Going to Atlanta and launching her off was truly bitter sweet. I felt like a bundle of emotions. The talks/classes that we parents were attending seemed geared to those that were off launching their babies in the world, all happy and so much more mature than me. They were all demonstrating such enthusiasm and excitement and although I did truly feel excitement for Niki ~ I was not quite as enthusiastic.
How were these parents doing it? Were they just better Christians than me? Did they just truly know that their babies were going to come back to them unharmed, unchanged and did I just doubt?
At the launch in August naturally “launching” was emphasized throughout. I never gave it much thought at the time. I was so wrapped up in “leaving”. But as time has passed I’ve had some time to reflect on the difference in leaving and launching. Leaving implies loosing something; go away from or withdraw from and launching implies gaining, to send forth, or release.
I’m not going to lie ~ this Mama was all about the “leaving”. Niki’s leaving me for a long time, Niki’s leaving her dog Bella, Niki’s leaving her home, her friends, her everything ~ and then it was all about I’m leaving ~ I’m leaving her here to jump on a plane and letting her leave. I’m leaving all of my good, sound, Mama Judgement and trusting people I don’t even know to take care of my baby. I’m leaving her to make safe decisions when I’ve seen her make unsafe ones ~ the list of examples could go on but the point is I’m not there anymore.
I launched her because she is going forth to share the good news. She is sharing God’s love through testimony but more importantly through her actions. I am releasing her to the LORD. She is under his umbrella of grace, protection and love.
Wow how much more does the LORD love her than I do? And I’m gaining back a young woman that will not only have her life changed forever but those of us that love her have had our life’s changed forever too~ So with that she launched!!
After launch, I have to tell you that life did change. I keep telling everyone I am not normal now and I really don’t think things/life will ever be normal again. It’s hard to stay away from Facebook. I keep thinking what if one of the other Mom‘s post something I don’t know yet. What if I miss something? I’m having a hard time knowing what do with myself. I feel glued to my phone at times. Every time the phone rings you grab it especially when you don’t recognize the number.
Before Niki left those were the calls I avoided. Those were the telemarketers but now they might be from her, or from someone whose daughter is with her and might know something about her. And then Oh the JOY ~ pure JOY when you hear the special ring tone that belongs to WhatsApp. That means I am getting a call and no matter what I am doing, where I am I fumble trying to remember how to answer it. (every time I have a brain freeze of what if I hang her up before I get it answered ~ LOL). A few times, I can hear her clearly and see her smiling face. Those are the times I just jabber away like she is just down the street and think “does she even care about that?” and other times I get the chopped up voice and her face going in and out in blocks on my phone. Those are the times I hear static and think ~is she near a water fall? Those are the times I feel that I am yelling and over talking her because her voice is delayed. And then there was the ONE time.
The one time I was in a manager’s meeting at work and for some reason I had my phone face down on the table as I was taking minutes. A half hour later I seen my phone and flipped it and realized that I had missed a precious phone call. WHAT?? I missed a phone call from Niki? And then sitting there was the text message that read “Don’t cry Mom ~ I only have a few a moments and was just trying to reach out to you before we went to the host”. I wanted to cry and Niki knew I was going to be upset missing a phone call hence the text message.
So this is how my normal is now. My normal now is to listen to the World news and see what is happening in every country that even borders her country. My normal is being attached to my phone. My normal is reading every blog or every parent post out there to just see if I can get a glimpse of what Niki is touching, feeling and seeing. And most of all my normal is praying and praying hard. Praying for safety, praying for protection and praying more purposefully and sincerely. I’m OK with this new normal. I will keep you posted if it changes.
? Thanks again to all of you for sharing this journey with us!
Hugs ~
Debbie (Niki’s Mom)
