Happiness. The word may recall visions of uncontrollable laughter caused by a funny friend, public restrooms with no line, holding hands with a loved one, or winning the big game.
Everybody wants to be happy; we make chasing this elusive ideal a lifelong pursuit. We try to achieve it by spending money and searching for new exciting experiences.
One thing I have come to learn is happiness depends on circumstances. So, what happens when the funny friend hurts you, the restroom’s line is unending, the loved one dies, and you lose the game?
You are most likely left with discouragement and desperation.
So why don’t we strive for joy?
Joy runs deeper and stronger. It is the quiet, confident assurance of God’s love and work in our lives.
As Christians, we must not rely on what we feel or what we experience to give us joy but on Christ within us.
For as long as I can remember I have lived my life by reacting. I would feel happy when I received a compliment, feel irritated when somebody was rude, feel hurt when I received an insult, feel grateful when I was given an opportunity ect…
The same was true when it came to my spiritual life. I would feel so on-fire for the Lord when I went to church, sang praises, or had a Godly conversation with a friend. I could feel His presence, and because I could “feel” Him, I would be happy. That being said, when I could not “feel” Him I was left feeling discouraged and unworthy.
Faith is not feeling all giddy inside and rainbows and butterflies all the time. sometimes its hard and ugly but when we CHOOSE it each day we are one step closer to feeling true joy.
While being on the race I have learned a few things, one being what it looks like to ride out different seasons of my life well.
Seasons come in waves.
Seasons of contentment and self-discovery have prepared me for seasons of confusion and growth; neither is wrong and neither describe the entirety of my relationship with the Lord.
Beginning the world race, I was in a season of contentment; I thrived in Cambodia. I was utterly happy, filled with peace and laughter, even when I accidentally deleted every photo from my camera of my first-month over-seas, I knew God’s provision and protection were near to me. I was utterly in love with my circumstances and my spiritual state. I was ON FIRE for Jesus. I could not get enough of Him.
After leaving Cambodia heart-broken from all of the goodbyes, I transitioned into a season of doubt and hurt. I was devastated because of the losses that came with a change in country and ministry. I soon realized I had not made real connections with anyone other than the local Cambodians that were thousands of miles away. I had spent my time completely involved with loving on them that I had neglected to interact on a deep level with the people I had lived with, in such close quarters. I was left feeling alone and sad. Needless to say, the beginning of my time in Honduras was also a season of discovery. A season of discovering true friendships with the American’s I had pledged to travel with for a year. It was a sweet next month that blossomed many new friendships, and I quickly became grateful for the time I had with them.
As I write I can see a pattern occurring… my next season begins with confusion and hurt once again. A mixture of leaving more lovable and kind locals and a realization of the new 15lbs I had acquired on my body had put me into a state of melancholy. Yes. You read that right. In a matter of 4 months (mostly the 2 I spent in Honduras), I gained 15lbs. As a girl, I, of course, had struggled with body image but never to this extent. I was angry at myself for not being disciplined and also for allowing myself to fall into a state of sadness yet again. I thought to myself, how can I experience such harsh episodes of sadness when I have felt true joy from the Lord before? I was so hard on myself and looking back I regret not sharing my struggles with the new friends I had made.
In Guatemala, I, of course, became distracted by the adorable faces of my students at Grace School and the kindness of staff and locals, but I can say my relationship with God and authority had become distant. Traveling through these seasons gave me such a headache and by the time I had reflected on them I was in Ethiopia, my last country before going home.
Ethiopia saved me. If you ask anyone I traveled with, they can attest to the fact I was utterly in love. In love with the culture, the people, and scenery. I dove right into what God had placed in front of me. I spent as much time as I could with Jesus and my new “brothers and sisters” at the children’s home. I relied on God’s strength and felt the Holy Spirit inside me come alive. I never seemed to run out of energy because I was so focused on using what the Lord provided me with. I had played, prayed, and worshipped with every ounce of my being. In this season of life, I was overflowing with joy.
Just like in every other country I was faced with spiritual warfare, but the devil knew my mind could not be compromised, so he set after me physically. In a matter of three months, I had obtained bed bugs, lice, a nasty infection on my leg, two broken toes, ringworm on my forearm, face, elbow, and bicep, and a horrible infection in my eye which caused me to nearly break down. Because of my infection, I was advised not come in contact with the children which meant not being able to say goodbye. This broke me. I didn’t have anywhere to turn but to God. I cried out, asking for God’s healing just enough for me to say my goodbyes. The children and house mothers began praying for me, and the swelling instantly went down. I could now open my eye!!! I got to say the painful goodbyes I prayed for and experienced a real miracle. Reflecting on the season Ethiopia held for me brings to mind one word. Faith. During this season I lived out the truth’s God declares over me, and I did it with such a joyful heart.
Right now, I am in yet another season of life: a transition season, the transition of turmoil and embarrassment to a season of self-discovery and forgiveness. As I reflect on my time back in America, I have found my actions and words have been deriving from a state of confusion and desperation. Confusion of God’s purpose for my life and the desperation to feel joy again. It has been a colossal struggle finding peace in the mundane, distraction-filled life America offers.
Writing this blog, I have come to find God works in mysterious ways. Simply writing and reflecting on my seasons of life I now know that the transition to discovery and forgiveness is well on its way.
So here’s to a season of choosing. A season of choosing to be kind in unkind situations, a season of choosing to show love every time, a season of choosing to become more like Jesus.
(my eye before infection before and after prayer)
