I am not okay. And my not okayness is on display for the whole world to see.
Before I left for the race, I was SO okay. I was on cloud 9, even. I had my family, my friends, I was so confident in my relationship with Jesus, and I was about to leave to be a bright light for him in eleven countries.
Now I’m three weeks in.
I am more of a mess than I’ve ever been in my whole life.
Most everything I built my life and identity on has been pulled out from under my feet. Jesus is the only thing I have left to stand on now, and, unbeknownst to me, I have believed so many lies about who the Father really is, leaving me with a barely there, cracked foundation.
Every day I have an emotional breakdown of some kind, and every day I have to choose to share that breakdown with my team- to spill my guts, to unveil my heart, to cry confused tears- all with an audience. Literally my nightmare come true.
I am so blessed with my first ministry host: we have a generator, access to wifi, good water pressure and coffee every morning. But I am still so homesick for America. I miss fast food chains, I miss everyone speaking English, I miss a couch and a T.V. for crying out loud! It sounds so petty, but it’s everything I’ve ever known, and now it’s gone. So I cry about that sometimes, too…
I used to spend around 80% of my time in peaceful, quiet, independent solitude and the other 20% around people of my choice.
Now about 2% of my time is complete solitude where I literally freak out about having to go back into the world, and the other 98% is around people I was placed with, freaking out internally.
I used to keep every thought and opinion to myself for fear of being shut down, misunderstood or judged.
Now every time I am in my own head, someone drags me out and pulls my thoughts and opinions out of me.
I used to keep my relationship with the Lord super private and personal and intimate, hardly every sharing the things he revealed to me in the secret place; I didn’t want to give away his words and not be able to hear more.
Now not only do I evangelize pretty much every day, but I share with my team every day, hense giving away the words from my secret place, hense having to revisit the throne multiple times a day, practically begging Jesus for more.
I have to be honest. I have to be open. I have to be transparent and vulnerable- I am completely undone. And I have a feeling that even though I cannot become more undone, I will. This is hard. It’s so hard, this place of complete open brokenness, and I am not okay…
