Three years ago today I waved my imaginary white flag with my imaginary tail between my legs. Plagued with shame, I decided to cease fighting against life and lay down in surrender.
Three years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into by walking away from alcohol and stepping into a life of sobriety. God was the last thing on my mind. After all, if the God these strange Christians claimed was as good as they said He was, why didn’t He keep me out of trouble?
Clearly, I didn’t understand a lot of things. It’s okay, we can laugh about it now. Thankfully, God sets the bar pretty high in the areas of grace and patience. The idea that God meets us where we are has steadily proven true in my life through all the muck and mire of my spiritual journey.
This day is always one marked with gratitude as I look back on where I was, meditate on the journey God has taken me on, and gaze onward to where He is leading next.
One thing rings true every year: I’m so grateful I didn’t quit on God, and more so that He didn’t quit on me.
It wasn’t easy to unlearn everything I thought I knew about myself and the world. It wasn’t easy to change my beliefs, thoughts, words, and actions. Yet, by the grace of God, here I stand as proof that He IS a God of transformation, redemption, and freedom. Jesus gave me everything I desired and more.
I’ve learned a thing or two in my three year journey of recovery from alcoholism. Here are the themes from the last year:
- Doing the hard thing is worth it.
Let’s all have an honest moment here. Vulnerability, confronting our character defects, stepping into humility, speaking the truth, and blazing the trail – these things aren’t always what we think of as carefree, good times. In active addiction, I loved to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. I usually avoided by altering my mood with chemicals, which led to more discomfort in the long run. In my walk with God, I’ve learned that while these actions aren’t the most fun, they’re altogether worth it for me and others. They bring me closer to the Lord and they break down the walls that kept me from genuine fellowship. It’s beautiful, too, how doing the hard things invites others in my life to do the same. Going first, even when it hurts like hell, is worth it if it means another person will grow an inch in the direction of God.
- It’s not about me.
One of my favorite descriptions of the active alcoholic is the self-described “egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” I, too, fell into this category back in the day as I covered my rampant insecurities with a mask of nauseating arrogance. I’ve learned a lot about pride these last three years, namely that it doesn’t always look like over-confidence. In reality, my insecurity made me extremely prideful. I thought about myself constantly. I always wondered why life didn’t look the way I wanted, why people didn’t love me, and why I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t until recovery, and really, the World Race, that I was right-sized and brought back down to earth. Life is not about me at all, but it is all about God. He created all things, including me, and it wasn’t so I could fill my head with self-centered thoughts all day. I have found incredible liberation in this revelation as I’ve experienced the joy of living to love and serve others.
- I will never arrive.
I remember having one day sober and thinking people with three years must be spiritual gurus or something. They seemed to steady, so wise. I naively thought all of life’s problems would dissipate by this time. The truth is, I’ve grown a lot, but I will never reach a point where I don’t need to continue being molded into the woman God intends me to be. I need Jesus just as much today as I did three years ago. I need good friends to call me higher when I’m acting out of alignment with God’s will. Underneath the Bible knowledge, the missionary label, and the Christianese, I would still be utterly hopeless if I thought for one moment I could do this without God’s help. Even today, I have moments of frustration at my weaknesses. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want to arrive anyway. That would be boring. The journey of knowing and following God is a wild adventure and I don’t ever want to get off this train.
It’s such a gift to have perspective on where I came from and where I am now. I look forward to stepping into what God has for me in year four.
Love and blessings,
McKenzie
