“I just want to feel beautiful again.”
These words escaped my lips as my teammates and I rode a city bus to a local slum where we would be ministering today.
It’s actually pretty convicting to read those sentences one after the other. Here I am, fighting for people to know their worth and find hope in Jesus, but I’m still on a very real, very present journey myself.
And what a journey it has been. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss my curling iron, artificial tan, and makeup, but dang I’ve abandoned a lot. My looks no longer run my entire life. My face and body are no longer my god; thank God. I’ve come a long, long way in finding myself beautiful, but I wouldn’t dare say I’ve mastered it yet.
My inner beauty is shining out more than ever, but I still find myself occasionally missing the days when I’d look in the mirror and find satisfaction with what I saw.
There’s something about eating carbs for every meal and wearing the same five outfits that dims the outward sparkle, or at least that’s how I feel some days. To be clear, that’s not me being down on myself, it’s the truth of where I am. It’s my raw, imperfect humanity, and I’m willing to bet I’m not the only one who feels this way.
It’s scary to put these things out there for the world to witness. I fear I’ll be called a hypocrite or vain, but I write these words because I know I’m not alone here.
I’m even tempted to put on a mask and twist this post into some “I struggle, but I have a solution for you” facade. I’m not going to do that though. I refuse.
Authenticity is so much more valuable to me than what you think. I have to be true to myself, and saying “I have this thing figured out” all the time isn’t that.
God wants me to share my current location with you, not my fantasized, projected endpoint.
I know the Scriptures. I know what God says about me. I know that He’s working it out in me, but I’m here to tell you that God takes us on journeys. While He can heal our hearts instantly, many times He allows us to take the scenic route to sanctification. It’s out of love, I know, and that’s why I’m okay with where I am.
“I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be”
– Joyce Meyer
I will say this: Jesus can and will make His truths come alive in my heart 100 percent of the time, in His perfect time.
I have no doubt someday I could be content with myself, au-natural, all the time. I’m not there yet, but I’m walking in that direction. That’s what matters: not perfection, but progress in the way of God.
I hope this serves as an encouragement to the ones who, like me, aren’t always convinced of their outward beauty. May God continue to connect our heads to our hearts, so we can see ourselves as He does – five outfits and all.
Until then, let’s celebrate the little victories and look inward at who we are as people. This is the part that matters most, anyway. Even I can tell you that despite the insecurities, I know my heart is valued high above my appearance.
Here’s to the journey.
Love,
Kenzie
