Recently, a friend asked if I’m happy.
She’s seen my pictures, read my blogs, and heard the gist of what this voyage has been like so far, just like many of you have. Truthfully, I can only let you in on so much as my Instagram and blog tell just a part of the story. In order to be present here, I have to pick the stories that God lays most heavily on my heart. I couldn’t possibly share every instance.
When she asked, I thought about the rough moments of the last half year. The “I don’t knows” and the “I should haves.” The losses and failures and tears shed. The anxiety of braving the unknowns and the unknowns becoming my normal. The heartbreak of hungry babies and suffering mamas, and the deepened realization that I can’t fix anybody. Can I be happy, really happy, after all of this?
My answer, despite the calamity I’ve witnessed in this world, is a confident yes. Yes. A thousand, million times YES. Let me scream it from the rooftops. Let me tell every one of you, my joy is complete.
I feel alive, like really alive, and I mean that. I mean that because I know what I thought it meant to feel alive. I thought traveling for fun and taking cute Instagram photos was being alive. I thought doing good things would make the blood flow stronger. I thought adventure would embody life itself. I thought having a steadiness in my circumstances would make room to feel the breath moving through me. I always looked outward for that living, breathing feeling, but I’ve finally seen the light. No longer am I stumbling through the darkness to find that thing, that One Thing to do the trick.
I tell you with my whole heart that I’ve never felt more alive than I do in this season. Yes, it’s difficult sometimes. Yes, I feel inadequate. But oh my goodness, Jesus is so worth every prickle on this path. He is the One Thing. He said he is The Way, The Truth and The Life, and I see why in new form.
It’s the hungry babies and suffering mamas, who despite their circumstances, have joy radiating from their smiles. It’s the people who don’t complain about what they don’t have because they’re thankful for everything they do. It’s my own long, hot, should-be exhausting days that actually give me rest and renewal. These only scratch the surface on why I’m reminded that I am, in fact, more alive than ever before.
I must tell you it’s been a journey to get here, to see things this way. About a month ago, I found myself stuck in negativity and self-pity. This is so hard, I’d think. I missed my clothes, my bed, my dogs, and real coffee (instant is a World Race staple).
I would wake up angry at the day before it even began. I lived in expectancy of hardship rather than gratitude for what God was giving me right then.
He takes us on a journey with all things. God isn’t going to change my circumstances when He knows those very circumstances are changing me, molding me into the woman He wants me to be. He’s concerned with my heart, not my comfort level.
And I see those hungry babies and suffering mamas, and I’m reminded that it’s not that bad. If they can be happy, surely I can find something to smile about.
It’s another sweet reminder that stuff on the outside isn’t the Good Medicine. I can live in a village, severely removed from WiFi and Diet Coke, and actually find true joy.
It sounds so petty to let those things dictate my joy, and truthfully, I’m embarrassed. I have Jesus, after all. The Gospel itself is enough to shift my entire life, let alone my perspective about abandonment.
I can say goodbye to the cheap, frail joys this world offers. Their high always, always wears off. It only isn’t so when the fix is just right, just Jesus.
And that’s the thing about my big, fat confident “yes” to my friend’s question. I’m living my life more dedicated, more dependent on the Lord than ever before. I’ve never made God my sole focus, and now that He takes priority over those petty little comforts, I’m free to hold true joy in my hands like it actually belongs here.
I don’t share this because I have it all figured out. I don’t want you to think I don’t ever have hard days anymore or fall into the trap of self-pity. I do. I so do.
I want to encourage you that joy is there for the taking. It just depends on what we’re chasing in search of it.
Are you looking outside of yourself for your happiness? Abandon the things that hinder you from seeing God as He truly is. He is so completely worth every sacrifice.
After all, He made a bigger sacrifice than you or I ever could. We can sacrifice our way, our comfort, our whatever for the abundant life He promises to those who love Him.
Take His offer. I promise it’s worth it. I promise He’s worth it.
