Blogs are symbolic, in a way.
I left Guatemala a week ago, but it wasn’t until I started typing this post that it hit really me.
It saddens me to say a real, final goodbye to month two of the World Race. I fell in love with Guatemala the way a teenage girl falls in love for the first time. Fast, deep, reckless, messy, and beautiful. Truthfully, I could have stayed and been quite okay with it.
Like any good kind of love, it’s not easy. Month two was a big mess that looked like my heart spilling from the inside out. Perhaps that messiness is to blame for my deep adoration for that place.
After all, I have a long history of being drawn to chaos.
This month was extremely hard and extremely good. The time spent in Guatemala couldn’t be one without the other, actually.
All throughout, I dove into self-discovery, a heightened awareness of God’s voice, and a strong taste of the community I read about in blog after blog prior to launch. Through this I felt alive. I felt whole and shattered all at once. I realized how far I’ve come and yet how far I have to go.
I embraced the mess and accepted the fact that I’m not ever going to be “fine” if I’m still growing. More dirt will be exposed so it can be washed away. The layers of my onion soul will be peeled back, and though the peeling makes my eyes water, it reveals an intricate pattern of magnificence waiting to be seen and loved.
And for every moment that revealed the bitterness, fear, and arrogance that still lives inside me, God was there to wash me clean.
As he chipped away at the ugliness, he embraced me in his arms and whispered, I know this hurts, but I’m replacing it with virtues; things that will serve you and me and others so much more as you do the work I have for you.
Sometimes I write these things and catch this gnawing feeling like I’m beating a dead horse. How often do I talk about God revealing and redeeming my shortcomings on this journey?
A lot. That’s how much.
In all honesty, these parts of the journey speak to me more than the top-of-the-mountain, free-falling, jumping-for-joy ones do.
Don’t get me wrong, every piece of this pie is valid and needed. The mountaintop moments are interwoven with the low valley ones. That being said, I’ve found my growth is stemming heavily from the times that have me throwing internal temper tantrums and working it out with God through the messiness.
Guatemala had just as many moments of peace and contentment as it did heartbreak and struggle.
It was life in true form.
Messy. Ugly. Beautiful. Unique. Purposeful.
Originally, we planned to travel to Honduras on Saturday. Apparently, tropical storm Nate had other plans.
With an extra day in Antigua, I had an opportunity to rest – truly rest – for a full morning.
I lounged in the courtyard of a beautiful coffee shop, finding inspiration in every little detail. From the tile to the hanging plants, I just soaked everything in. I appreciated it for all that it was worth – and that’s a whole lot. If you’re ever in Antigua, I highly recommend Cafe Estudio. I only wish I discovered it sooner than my last day.
Just before lunch, all of V-Squad met at my very favorite place in all of Antigua. We were going to worship overlooking the city at Cerro Del La Cruz.
It rained, people stared at us, I didn’t know every word to all the songs, but God was there. That’s what mattered. It was a powerful encounter with the Lord that overshadowed every fear of man or doubt of what we’re doing on this crazy thing called the World Race.
People from all over the world joined us in friendship, fellowship, and worship as we looked out onto the place holding such a special place in my heart.
It was then that I saw the bigger picture. I could see God molding me right before my eyes. There’s really nothing like that.
I looked out into the city and felt peace wash over me, knowing I was leaving fifteen hours later with no concrete plans of returning in the future.
Despite my heartache over leaving that beautiful, special place – I know I did it as a higher version of myself than when I crossed the border in the early days of September.
I didn’t start this thing with the thought that I needed to make big changes on the inside. As far as I was concerned, I was here to make changes in the people and places around me.
Now I can boldly say, I’m not the same McKenzie who left Florida two months ago. I can’t wait for you to meet her in nine months.
