Sacrifice.
It hasn’t been my initial identifier when thinking of the World Race, but it should be.
I tend to get sucked into the misconstrued world of Instagram, seeing things how I want to see them, or rather, how they are portrayed. I search #11n11 almost daily to find my feed filled with snapshots of melted skies at sunset and smiling orphans, and I can’t help but envision this as the happiest year of my life. I mean, how could I feel anything but joy when I’m in the field, marching into this adventure with my loving Papa in heaven? Who cares if I’m hot and sweaty? Who cares if I haven’t seen my best friends in half a year? Who cares if I feel nauseous because I ate something moderately sketchy for breakfast? WHO CARES! I’ll be toooootally fine all the time because I just will. Right?!
When I first prayed over the World Race and everything that comes along with it, I failed to see it as a sacrifice. I’m a glass-half-full kind of lady, so naturally an opportunity such as this didn’t bring me to dwell on all that I would go without for 11 whole months.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m ready to leave behind the material comforts of my life in America. I’m ready to walk into uncertainty because of the certainty of God’s promises. I’m ready for the inevitable pain that will come as I shed the things that are holding me back from growing closer to Him. Yes, I expected these things from the get go, but I failed to see that sacrifice would go beyond my little bubble of expectations. I asked Him to break me and build me up. In practice, I desired for this to be done in a way that meant I didn’t actually have to give up anything that was too important to me.
For example, I’ll be in the field for the weddings of two of the most important friends I have. I’d be lying if I said processing the emotions that come with that has been easy so far. I should be there for these things, I thought. I’m going to leave, and everything will be so different when I get back. I wish everyone’s lives could just pause while I go off to love people for the sake of the Gospel this next year. It’s not fair that I can’t have my cake and eat it, too.
I tried to ignore it, I tried to avoid it, I tried to be okay with it, but what I failed to try was the acceptance of this gift with open, willing arms – no matter what.
I can’t sit here and say I’m fine with going without for 11 months, but only if that means going without the things I’m okay with letting go of. Sacrifice isn’t supposed to be easy or comfortable. It’s a matter of giving up what I value for the sake of what I value more. Although I’ll be sad when Cristina and Lauren walk down the aisle on their special days while there are wide, stretching miles between us, I would lose more in saying no to God’s will for my life. It’s not about me anyway. I know that in my heart, but my pride says I deserve both the World Race and these memories with my loved ones. Thankfully, I have a great support system that not only helps me to see things in truth but also lets me know when I’m being a little bit ridiculous.
That brings me to another revelation: God is not holding off until I launch on the race to chisel away at my character defects. If I am His masterpiece, then he will use any season to grow me into the woman He intends me to be. This journey of preparation, whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial, is proving to be such a test of faith and patience. God is using this time to expose the dirt that still remains within me, and I can say confidently how I appreciate His faithfulness. I’m constantly humbled. It may not look the way I expected, but He’s delivering on His promises. I asked to be broken and built up, didn’t I?.
So here’s my truth: the World Race is not going to be easy. It’s going to stretch me in ways I can’t foresee. It’s a sacrifice that goes beyond material things. It’s going to be so, so hard in the most personal, unexpected ways. My heart will be broken. I won’t be happy 100 percent of the time. I fully expect my biggest fears to be faced head on, and even that scares me. But what I also fully expect is for my Jesus to deliver on His wonderful promises.
Every coming sacrifice is going to be worth it, because knowing Jesus more deeply always is.
