The highs are high and the lows are low
The highs are happy. When I think about being in Swaziland with smiling children. Them pouring joy into my life even though I expected to be pouring more joy into theirs.
The highs are comfortable. When my roommates sit and laugh and share my same passion for peanut butter and Mumford & Sons.
The highs are joyful. When I feel God move and connections being made through simple conversation and celebration of differences.
The highs are exciting. When I realize the wonder and awe and surprise in the months to come.
But at the same time
The lows are lonely. When I am surrounded by people I barely know in an unfamiliar state.
The lows are heartbreaking. When I have constant reminders that the goodbyes were real goodbyes and 9 months feels like forever.
The lows are doubt creating. When I feel forgotten that somehow I’m not good enough or strong enough to be here. That I really don’t belong here. That who I am just won’t do.
The lows are fearful. When I realize the uncertainty ahead and the lack of control I have with anything that comes my way from here on out.
To say I’m feeling a lot of emotions is an understatement. But that’s okay. It’s okay to have doubts. It’s okay to face heartbreak. It’s okay to have fear.
God is bigger than all of those things and with Him they are totally conquerable.
But sometimes giving all the feels to Him is hard. Harder than you’d expect. And I’m learning now, how to pursue Him and give things over to Him when for the first time giving things to Him doesn’t come easy. I’m not great at it yet. But it’s a process.
