Okay so far I’ve told you about all of the awesome things we’ve been doing this month here in Albania. However I feel I owe it to you to be completely honest with you. You see things haven’t been all roses and pretty smells since I left home on this journey, quite the contrary actually.
This isn’t easy for me to admit but I had a really rough time adjusting to being on the World Race. I was extremely homesick for the first half of this month, which I had expected but not quite to the extent in which it reared it’s ugly head. All I wanted to do was be alone, go home, and cry…A LOT.
I felt a lot of guilt and shame about the difficult time I was having. I tried to keep it to myself for the most part (although it was fairly obvious I’m sure) but dealing with this day in and day out I felt so alone. I prayed about it daily but I still kept asking myself, “Why am I having such a hard time? What if I can’t do this? What’s wrong with me?” I mean I had been preparing for this for a year! But the hardest, and most destructive, thought the enemy gave me at this time was “Why am I so weak?” This hit me so intensely.
Honestly before this trip I had felt God’s hand on so many things over my life, preparing me for this year, so I couldn’t understand what was happening. I wondered how could I be working toward this for so long and be failing so hard? Even my sister and dad could see it on my face and hear it in my voice when they talked to me. It wasn’t pretty and I definitely wasn’t myself, far from it. It was hard pushing those feelings down and staying focused during ministry times…which of course just added to my guilt.
I mean so many people believed in me and helped me get to this moment how could I be letting them down, right?! At least that’s what I thought at the time.
Since then God has been working in me and stretching me so much. He showed me that it’s okay to not be okay. He showed me that I’m not alone and that there is NEVER shame in needing help, even if you don’t know what that looks like yet.
He also taught me that there is no weakness in struggling. That there is a purpose in every battle, whether it’s a new perspective, self discovery or aiding someone else in their fight. You never know what will trigger you, no matter how prepared you feel, and how God has already planned to use that. He may use your setback as an opportunity to give someone else the courage to express that they are struggling too.
We are human, I am human, and the struggle is real. It’s not always sunshine and roses and that’s okay. Try not to get discouraged during the times of turmoil because nobody is perfect. And there is no shame in the battle as long as you keep fighting.
Now don’t get me wrong this month has been good! What we are doing and the people here are wonderful! But internal battles still happen, and you may think I’m crazy, but I can honestly say I am grateful for it. This month was extra trying yes but in return it was extra fruitful as well.
“Life with God is not immunity from difficulties, but peace in difficulties.” C.S. Lewis
