This is going to be difficult to read. I will just make that clear now. It is a story of pain, confusion, redemption, and restoration. It is the type of story that gives glory to God even through darkest moments. It is my story.
I grew up in a small town. There wasn’t a whole lot to do and when I was in high school most of my friends spent their weekends getting drunk at house parties or bonfires. As is the case with most teenagers, all I wanted was to fit in so I would be right there with them.
When I got to college I began to truly desire for my life to reflect that I was a follower of Christ. I stopped partying and I made sure that I had reliable Christian friends. It was always good until I had to go home. The pressures of fitting in that plagued me in high school still plagued me when I was with my high school friends during breaks from college. This was certainly the case on New Years Eve of 2014. One of my friends was having a house party and several of us helped her organize it. The four of us planned to stay the night there so there wasn’t much holding any of us back from drinking too much. And drink too much I did.
As the party died down we all got ready for bed. I was sleeping alone in the guest room. I thought it was just me and my three friends left in the house so my guard was completely down. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and a guy came into the room. He was extremely drunk and honestly was probably looking for the bathroom or something, but instead of continuing on in his search he came in. I was too drunk to think of the danger or how strange it was and before I knew it he was forcing himself on me. It happened so fast. I didn’t know what to do so after my protests were ignored multiple times, I did nothing.
I was so confused the next morning. I didn’t tell anyone. I was so unwilling to admit that I had been assaulted that I just convinced myself that it was something I had wanted and accepted it as a mistake I had made.
I didn’t tell anyone about it for a year and a half.
During a sexual assault awareness week at my college, I was hit with a pang of remembrance and the truth began to bubble up underneath the surface. In a brave moment I spilled my guts to my roommate. She was surprisingly supportive and caring. It was just the encouragement I needed and after a few weeks I went to my college pastor and told her too. She comforted me and began to meander through the junk with me. She directed me to Jeremiah 31 where the Lord promises to rebuild and restore Israel. She couldn’t explain why, but that was the passage she felt lead to give me. The Lord promised to make Jerusalem whole again and she assured me that He would make me whole again too, but I didn’t know the full context of the story.
As I began to walk in the truth of this messy and painful event I became more confused than ever. I began to grieve my loss of choice. So when an opportunity presented itself to choose that kind of behavior, I took it thinking that in some twisted way it would right the wrong that was done to me. I didn’t even care about this guy at all and he didn’t care about me. It was a relationship strictly founded on our own satisfaction. The only person I told about this was my roommate who was stuck in the same cycle. It made it feel more okay even though in my soul I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it wouldn’t fix anything.
I lived like this for a month with this one guy. I can’t pin point an exact moment that I realized this would never help, but I can tell you that I felt overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, sadness, and dissatisfaction. I broke it off but then I still had to deal with my choices. Without telling her about the choices I actually made, I continued to seek the guidance and help of my pastor and she connected me with a therapist who specialized in sexual assault. It was a dark season but after a lot of time and effort I came to terms with what had happened to me.
But I still carried the shame of my choices in secret. I still worried about the day that I would have to tell my future husband and all of the pain that would bring. I was anxious about what people would think of me if they knew… if their perfect Christian picture of me was ruined.
It wasn’t until training camp for the World Race that I finally got it off of my chest. At the Father’s urging I shared my testimony with my whole squad and I mean my WHOLE testimony. It was the first time that I admitted out loud that I had made some mistakes. It was the first time that I acknowledged that it was my attempt to right the wrong of my assault. It was the first time that I walked in the freedom of knowing that I had been forgiven by my Father already. But, do you want to know the best part? They loved and accepted me anyways. They knew ALL of my dirt, shame, and mess yet I was met with hugs, love, and a shower of affirmation.
I thought the story was done there, but alas it never really is.
Many of you know that last month I worked my way through Isaiah and I had a lot of questions and anger towards God. As I finished that book I heard Him tell me to keep reading so this month I have been in the book of Jeremiah. The same book that my pastor used to encourage me in one of my darkest times. As I am nearing the end of the book I finally know the full context and I couldn’t help but see just how fitting that passage really was for me.
It was divine providence that my pastor gave me Jeremiah 31 almost two years ago and it is divine providence within my story that it is coming full circle now.
If you’ve never read the whole book, then you might not realize just how badly the Israelites sucked at this time. They were building altars to other gods in the Lord’s temple, they were continuing to make idols of wood and stone to worship, and they only came to the true Living God as a last resort. They were the definition of godless. The other huge part of this story is the way that God responds. Ultimately he allows Babylon to take them captive as punishment BUT before he allows that He pleads with the people of Jerusalem to repent and return to him. He gives them an out. I counted at least fourteen times that the Lord pleaded with His people and still they didn’t listen. His broken heart is so obvious throughout this book and destruction is His last resort.
But He doesn’t destroy them completely. He promises that after 70 years in Babylonian captivity He will rescue the remnant and bring them back to Jerusalem. He promises to rebuild and restore the city and His people. His love for them is too great to destroy them completely so like a good Father He disciplines them appropriately.
I am Jerusalem. In response to my assault I walked in sin. I knew it was wrong and I heard the Lord calling me back to Him but in my confusion and my shame I ran further away, but still He LOVED ME SO MUCH. He wept for me. He fought for me. He was with me always. A lot of other hard things happened to me in that season. My own Babylonian captivity so to speak, but as His word promises He has been faithful to restore me. He has rebuilt me firm on His promises and has shown me how to put my worth in Him.
He urged me to share this story of restoration and so I have been obedient, but I assure you it was not easy and it required a few difficult conversations. But the freedom of the Lord is worth anything, even scorn in the eyes of men. If this encourages even one person then it was worth it all. Thanks for holding my story with grace.
“I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful. Again you will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit.” Jeremiah 31:4-5 (NIV)
“Nevertheless, the time will come when I will heal Jerusalem’s wounds and give it prosperity and true peace. I will restore the fortunes of Judah and Israel and rebuild their towns.” Jeremiah 33:6-7 (NLT)
