This month, I felt the Lord ask me to take a closer look at the book of Isaiah. I had only ever read the end of the book which portrays a loving, caring, supportive God so I was ready to jump in. Well… if you’ve never read the whole book of Isaiah then I have some spoilers. The first two-thirds of the book portrays an angry God who is making constant threats to destroy these people here and that city there. There are moments where His sadness over it all are displayed, but mostly all I could see was His wrath and I myself began to feel a bit of that wrath directed right back at Him. As I read chapter after chapter of death and dying I was filled with question after question. Who is this God and how have I never met Him? The Bible is clear in stating that He is the same today, yesterday, and forever. He is the alpha and omega, beginning and end… but I didn’t recognize the God of Isaiah 13-39.
I found myself wondering, what REALLY separates me from all of those that He destroyed? The New Covenant and salvation by Jesus and maybe a couple thousand years but that’s pretty much the end of the list. Their sins are no greater than mine or yours. It made me wonder how I could trust a God like that. I am struggling to reconcile this God with the God I had been acquainted with all of this time. I opened up to my squad about my confusion and some were really interested in shedding light on the subject for me. They brought up the cultural context and the fact that God meets us halfway rather than forcing our hands. They promised that everything was different because of the New Covenant, but honestly, it isn’t enough for me.
Earlier this week we had a friend of our squad, Drea, come to visit and while she was with us we worshipped. As we were worshipping she shared a vision that she had received of a snail going through the desert with a question mark above its head. The snail was confused and angry. It was asking God so many questions and felt alone. My stomach turned as I heard it and I knew it was for me. The week before I had a vision myself. The Lord gave me a dream and in it, I was walking through the desert alone. Drea continued on to say that the Father isn’t afraid of our questions. He isn’t afraid of our anger and our willingness to ask questions and for us to be angry shows a depth to our relationship with Him that is difficult to achieve. She also described that when you zoom out on the picture of the snail, you see more clearly that it is simply going along the palm of God’s hand, not a desert at all.
If I’m being honest with you, I’m still angry and confused. I’m still heartbroken over the destruction, death, and chaos. But I also still see the goodness of the Lord. I still see the fruits of salvation. I still know that there are things beyond my understanding.
The Lord and I have a ways to go in this, but He has given me the wisdom to know that I definitely cannot understand His love until I can understand His wrath and so with all my heart I am trying.
