Those of you that know me recognize that I don’t usually put too much stock in personality tests or quizzes. I don’t believe that one simple test can truly understand who I am at my most fundamental levels; however, there is one test that has me pretty well figured out. The Enneagram test. If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram then let me just give you a crash course: there are nine personality types and each of us is born with a dominant type, however, it is very common for people to identify a little bit with multiple types. Your dominant type will never change, but you will fluctuate throughout your life between the positive and negative traits attributed to your type. Sometimes these shifts can look similar to other types.
I took the Enneagram at the beginning of this semester and it has been radically changing the ways that I understand myself and the ways that I choose to interact with the world. After completing the test (twice for good measure), it was revealed to me that I am Type Six—The Loyalist. This was my dominant type by leaps and bounds over all the others so there was no denying its accuracy. So what does it mean to be a Six? Well, I’m glad you asked! What Sixes desire at their core is to have security. Sixes want to feel supported by others, have assurance in their daily life, and to fight against the anxiety and insecurity that comes with this desire. This couldn’t be truer about me. My closest friends recognize that it is hard for me to trust people and I need to know for sure that they’re in it for the long haul before I open up. As you can imagine, that makes writing this particular blog post a little scary. This attitude is also true about major life decisions. I need to know that it is going to work out before I commit. Well… here I am preparing for a mission year with the World Race. This is probably the LEAST secure decision I could make for my post-graduate life. Leaving the country for a year, traveling to eleven countries with minimal direction, doing unknown missions work, and then returning at the end of the year with nowhere to live and probably penniless… what am I doing? I have had so many emotions regarding the Race already. Good, bad, and ugly.
Lately, I have been fluctuating back and forth between feelings of excitement and feelings of anxiety or sadness regarding the Race. Obviously, I am excited to travel the world chasing Jesus. That is so awesome and I am humbled that the Lord has called me to that. I have faith that He is going to do amazing and miraculous things this year. Then I think about leaving Chicago, my friends, my family… and along comes my good friend, Anxiety. Anxiety and I have known each other for a long time and he has done a good job of learning my tendencies and leanings. I am not necessarily afraid of going on the World Race. In fact, I feel rather secure in that because I know without a shadow of a doubt that it is the Lord’s plan for me. What I am afraid of is the effects it will have on my relationships. I am afraid of coming home. I think about my very best friends and wonder where they will be living in July 2018. I wonder what jobs they’ll be doing. Will they still have room for me in their lives when I come back? Will the distance be too much for our friendship to handle? It keeps me awake at night and I know how ridiculous it is but it is part of who I am on a basic level to worry about these things. The thought of losing my most secure and precious friendships absolutely paralyzes me. I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it right now. Then let’s say the friendships survive… then what happens when I return? What if my closest friends are scattered around the country? Where do I live? Do I pick one of them and hope for the best? Do I pick none of them and hope to maintain it over the distance? Do I just start over? The questions are absolutely endless. It feels stupid to worry about this. It is 19 months away. That is basically a lifetime to me right now. Despite all logic, it still keeps me up at night.
So when you wonder why I would be anxious or nervous about this amazing opportunity… when you ask me what I have to be afraid of, well. Now you know. I’m trying to learn to be gentle with myself and have faith in the plan and the people that I love, but it is hard so please just bear with me.
