“There’s something breaking free in you.”
These words resonate in my ears as I reflect on the ten days spent in Gainesville, Georgia at training camp. Ten days spent learning about missional living, intimacy with God, and community. Ten days spent in worship with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Ten days spent breaking down walls and learning that I can do hard things, something I hadn’t put much thought to over the last year.
The ten months leading up to training camp were arguably the hardest months of my life, walking through a season of relentless anxiety and depression. It wasn’t until training camp that I realized somewhere along the line I had begun to root my identity in the dark emotions I was feeling, defining myself as darkness and sorrow because underneath whatever fleeting emotion I was experiencing, whether happiness or anger, confusion or peace, those sentiments remained. I was subconsciously falling into a cycle of lies and frustration, believing who the enemy told me I was, rather than who the Lord said I was.
But our heavenly Father is faithful and in a moment when I allowed darkness to cover my heart during worship at camp, he spoke to me. He told me that he saw my internal struggle, that he saw my pain. But he reminded me of the joy he brings to me, and the joy that I bring to others. He told me to choose joy. He asked me to abide in this knowledge and to rebuke any influence that told me otherwise because he created me to be joy.
This was encouraging, but I couldn’t help but question what it would look like to actually walk out that truth. It’s so simple to say you’re choosing joy, but I know how hard it is to talk yourself into joy when you’re in a depressive state. I so badly wanted to believe that I was joy, but I wasn’t allowing myself to break free of the bondage I had so tightly wrapped myself in.
And yet He is faithful; The Lord knew these doubts and these fears, so he compelled me to read, and reread, and reread again John chapter 5, a story of one of Jesus’ healings:
There is lame man lying next to a healing pool who has been invalid for a number of years, and is incapable of getting himself into the water. (It was believed that every once in awhile, an angel would come down from the heavens and stir the waters. The first person in the pool after such a disturbance would then be healed of whatever disease they had). On the Sabbath, Jesus tells him to get up, pick up his mat, and walk. At once the man was cured. He gets up, picks up his mat, and walks. However, because it is the Sabbath, the Pharisees persecute Jesus for doing work. But the Son doesn’t fear or relent, rather responding by pointing the glory back to the Father, reminding everyone that all that he is capable of doing is through God, and that all the works He is doing are of God’s will. Both the lame man and Jesus exude obedience, faithfulness and humility. They obey what is commanded of them, and are faithful that they can trust what was commanded of them. Neither man puts glory on their own flesh, rather turning all eyes back to God the Father. Jesus continuously emphasizes that His work is not of self-distinction, but of obedience. His heart, His words, His deeds are all one with the Father’s. This oneness is in everything He does, and it is precisely the oneness He offers us. Obedience is not just about obeying a command, but about drawing close to the Father, and through such intimacy comes joy.
While I was resting in doubt, the Lord was resting in His faithfulness. He provided a way for me to understand and comprehend His love. The Lord showed me how to break free of the lies of my flesh and the lies of the enemy. He showed me that walking in obedience, faithfulness and humility will draw me nearer to him, and instill in me the joy that I was created to exude.
From then on forward, I made a conscious effort to choose to walk in obedience, faithfulness and humility and others noticed it.
.
“There’s something breaking free in you.”
. . . I believe it.
