In praying about where to start sharing about all of the lessons and personal growth that resulted from my 40 Day Food Fast, God brought me back to the very beginning…
Earlier today while I was journaling a page fell out of my journal. Initially, I was irritated as this page was where I wrote the breakdown of my Enneagram, a personality test that brought much wisdom and insight at the beginning of my fast. As I transcribed the information from the loose piece of paper securely back in my journal, God reminded me of the moments leading up to me journaling this originally.
During a few occasions leading up to our Leadership Development Weekend in Manzini, Swaziland, God gave me the word pride. Since I do not struggle with arrogance or a boastful nature, I thought I must’ve been hearing him wrong.
After service one night at L.D.W. I was speaking with our squad leader Ari, and she said, “I’m getting something for you, maybe it will make sense to you. I’m getting the word pride.” I literally laughed out loud and told her it didn’t make sense but that I too had received that word for myself. Day 4 in my fast, I spent the next three hours in prayer and devotion.
God works in threes throughout scripture and in my life as well. When God brought up the word pride a third and final time it all became perfectly clear.
If you have ever spent more than 5 minutes speaking to a Racer, they have probably dropped the words “Meyers Briggs” or “Love Languages” at least once. Well the night God brought this pride thing full circle, he introduced me to a new type of personality test.
My team and I had arrived in Madagascar. Due to some miscommunication between us and our host, our host thought we were arriving a day later than we actually were. Thanks to our amazing Squad Leaders we ended up staying in this comfy, cozy, 1950’s home that was in the shape of a dollhouse. Becky and I were assigned a room on the top floor. When we entered the room there was a queen sized bed with a canopy. We jumped in bed and chatted for hours until our team came and found us.
During the course of our conversation she asked, “Kayce, have you ever heard of an Enneagram?” My response was… No, why? She went on to explain that she thought I was similar to her and she suggested I take the test to find out.
So I did.
My results blew my mind. It was like this test peered deep into my soul and broke me down layer by layer.
My Enneagram is a Type 2 – “The helper.” We are helpers who need to be needed.
People of this personality type essentially feel that they are worthy insofar as they are helpful to others. Love is their highest ideal. Selflessness is their duty. Giving to others is their reason for being. Involved, socially aware, usually extroverted, twos are the type of people who remember everyone’s birthday and who go the extra mile to help out a co-worker, spouse, or friend in need.
Twos are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and expect to be appreciated for their efforts. They are practical people who thrive in the helping professions and who know how to make a home comfortable and inviting.
Helping others makes twos feel good about themselves. Being needed makes them feel important. Being selfless, makes them feel virtuous. Much of a two’s self image revolves around these issues, and any threat to that self-image is scarcely tolerated. Twos are thoroughly convinced of their selflessness, and it is true that they are frequently, genuinely helpful and concerned about others. It is equally true, however, that twos require appreciation; they need to be needed.
The root sin of the two is pride, not in the sense of the showing off, but pride as a kind of false humility. Pride keeps them from seeing their own needs. Twos need to be needed. For this reason they are easy to manipulate. As soon as they hear the little word “need,” they scrape together the last remnant of their energy to rush to help you.
Twos long to be loved, to love with their whole hearts, and to be allowed to live for their beloved. They sacrifice themselves for the welfare of others. They are benefactors, givers, and helpers.
God was teaching me things about myself that I never realized before. Things people have spoken over me but that I have never fully been able to comprehend until now. This journey called the World Race, this journey of a 40 Day Fast, wasn’t just going to be about what God could do THROUGH me, it was also going to be about what God could do IN me.
I received a letter from my best friend back home about 2 weeks before this conversation with Becky. It really got my wheels turning. I read and reread her letter for days trying to see myself the way she saw me. After taking the Enneagram things began to click, but if I’m being honest, it took the whole 40 Day Fast to fully understand her words and appreciate what God had placed on her heart as she wrote to me.
In part of her letter she said, “As much as you love God, I don’t think you trust him enough. Enough that he made you just the way he intended you to be. That you don’t have to change who you are externally or internally to please anyone else but him. I wish that you could be as confident in who you are, as I see you to be. I wish that you could be unapologetically you and embrace your self love without hesitation. This I hope, is what you find in some unknown corner of the world.
I don’t necessarily think it always takes distance, but in your case I think the space was necessary. Without leaving it all behind and cleansing yourself of your prior self – I don’t know when you would have made the time to do so. You needed to create the vacancy in your life to fill it back up with what is truly meant to be there…”
This is simply a section of her letter. What she didn’t realize when she wrote it was how prophetic and spirit-led it was. Everything she spoke God had spoken over me time and time again. The vacancy I fought so hard against, God created over a 40 Day Fast.
She was right. Not everyone is called to leave their home and everything they know to serve the nations for 11 months, but for me it was necessary. You see, Jesus is not a religion. Jesus is a relationship. He is a relationship that you wake up to and chose to enter into every day. For me it took being stripped of literally everything I found comfort in for God to remove my pride and bring forth a deep humility. In order for me to experience redemption I had to experience God as the real lover and realize that my puny love can only consist in sharing God’s infinite love.
I am not the benefactor, HE IS!
I am not the giver, HE IS!!
I am not the helper, HE IS!!!
Prayer Requests:
1) Continued financial support through my GoFundMe
https://www.gofundme.com/kayces-missionary-support
2) That our teams in Sri Lanka and Indonesia continue to be led by the Spirit in every step they take.
3) Safe travels for our teammate who had to travel home for a week.
4) Health!!!
Love,
Kace
