Have you ever gone in to a conversation feeling totally confident in one area, not knowing the topic of that said area would even be brought up, and leave feeling totally destroyed? I know you have.
I’m going to throw one of my biggest fears out here for you.. I have a fear of the UNKNOWN. WEIRD RIGHT?! Probably not. All of you have it to some extent.
Well, I fear it a lot. The unknown makes me less confident about myself. It makes me uncomfortable and scared.
It scares me so bad that it hurts. To where I cry. I can’t handle the thought of the future.
Tonight, I was just talking to my parents and debating like always and those conversations ended exactly how I thought they would. Then, I brought up the fact that I might not ever finish school to my mom (by accident.. never something you really want to admit), but it happened.
I was confident in that decision.. as of right now.
I just kept thinking and thinking about what if I can never find a job when I get back. What if nothing that I planned I would be able to do actually happens.
I doubt myself. I doubt the path that I chose. I doubt God…
I know I’m supposed to do the race. That’s imbedded into my being and no one could ever change my mind, but what about the unknown. What about what comes after. I just thought that I’d just figure it out. That’s kinda how I am anyways.
What if that’s not good enough. What if it’s just one wrong decision after another and that scares me.
But that’s the life I chose. I chose a life of uncertainty. I chose a life where I chose to trust that God would lead me in the right direction. I envy those who have it all together.
Last blog I wrote.. I figured something out that made me grow.
This blog I’m stuck in this downward spiral of doubt and pain.
I want to say that I got through this with a lesson, but I don’t have the answer yet.
And honestly, I don’t have anything for you guys. No tid bit of hope. No insightful words.
I’m just a person looking for that hope. I need those insightful words, because I don’t have it all together.
And I’m just wondering if anyone has ever been here too?
How did you do it?
How do you even begin to ask God into this place of helplessness?
I’m at a loss..
