I’ve been struggling with a sin. To some this may not be noteworthy sin. But for me, this sin is taking up time, self-esteem, relationship with friends and family, and my relationship with the Lord.
Shame followed me everywhere.
I knew I had an issue, which is probably why every time I went to church or happened to spend time with the Lord I would “lay down my burdens before the cross,” as they say. I would declare before myself and God that I would change my ways, but alas I never did. Until about a week ago…
Here is the story of my breakthrough:
I was at youth group, deep in worship, or at least pretending to be. I was frustrated with God.
“How many times am I going to have to kneel down before you and lay down this sin before you are going to actually help me?!” I pleaded.
What He showed me changed my perspective.
It was me. I was standing on a hill looking at my savior being crucified, crucified for me. The sky behind Jesus was dark and wind whipped around me making an eerie hollow sound. I kind of stood there in horror holding my sin. Slowly I approached the top of the hill and rested my sin against the base of the cross. Then I turned and walked away without even looking Jesus in the eye. Not long after, I began to want that sin again. I fought the desire for a little bit, but soon snuck back to the hill and picked my sin up and took it home.
I saw myself repeating this charade over and over again. Lay it down. Pick it up. Lay it down. Pick it up. Lay it down. Pick it up. It was exhausting. Finally I became so upset that Jesus wasn’t removing the sin from me, that I made eye contact with Him and begged Him to take this sin away.
“Nail it to me,” He said, though His voice was weak and cracking.
What? I could not be hearing this right. All the songs, all the motivational pastors have told me to lay my sins at the feet of Jesus.
“Nail it to me,” He repeated.
I saw the nails and picked up the hammer. This is when I start to cry. No! I just want to set down my sin without causing any damage to myself or others. This is not what I was taught. This is not what I want.
Christ understood my confusion and spoke again, “Many people misunderstand how I took their sins upon myself. I was wounded for your transgressions and I was bruised for your iniquities. I take your sins by taking your punishment. I don’t just pick your sin up from the ground and absorb it painlessly. It has to be physically and painfully attached to me in order to be defeated. Everyone wants to lay their sins at the foot of my cross so they can say they have changed, but once they realize how much they truly miss that sin, they come pick it back up. They find it right where they left it. But you must nail your sin to me so I can free you.”
I slowly begin to understand. I often find it very easy to go pick my sin back up even though I humbly gave it up just a day or so before. I’m realizing now what I must do. I know this is just a vision but it feels so real. My hands feel numb and there is a high pitch noise going off in my head.
Reeling I shout at Him, “BUT I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU! I love you so much!”
“I love you too,” He says, “But I also want to spend eternity with you. And this is how I will do it, one nail at a time.”
I take a deep breath, position the heavy mallet and misshapen nail…. WHAMMM! I take the first strike. He cries out in pain. I don’t think I can do this. But my sin is not going to stay unless I drive the nail deeper.
“Keep going,” He gasps
I obey. Each strike of the hammer echoes with the weeping of my Lord. Finally I’m finished. My sin is secure.
I don’t touch Him after that. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I just look at Him. Despite the fact that He is immobile, chained and nailed to the cross, it almost feels as if He has His hands cupped around my face and He whispers, “Thank you.”
After that, the vision dies away. I’m standing in church, surrounded by teenagers either worshiping or goofing off. The next few days were full of contemplation of the vision and what it meant. I’m not totally changed, but that sin I spoke of earlier doesn’t have the hold on me it did just a week or so ago.
As we walk through this Easter weekend, there are a few things I believe we should think about. It wasn’t some distanced, non-human, monster race that crucified Jesus. Yes, the Romans and Pharisees technically carried it out, but you crucified Him. I killed Him. We tortured and murdered our Lord. And you know what…. that is what He wanted.
God so desperately wanted to spend eternity with us that He went through LITERAL Hell to save us and we must not ever take that for granted.
