Today marks 7 years that I have been without my mother. She was beautiful, cheerful, free-spirited, funny, extremely cheesy, adventurous, chic and hardworking.
This has probably been the biggest turning point in my testimony- losing my mom. The truth is- my mom committed suicide on the morning of Tuesday November 3, 2009.
I know a lot of people hear this and think, “wow she must not have had a very great life,” or “wow I bet she was not very close to her family.” However neither of those statements could be farther from the truth. The truth is, she had an incredible life and was extremely devoted to all of us. We always joke that she lived a full life in half the years. She had a very demanding job that allowed her to see most of the world, a lovely southern brick home, a son, a daughter, a great husband and a little dog. Picture perfect family.
People always ask me, “Why did she do it?” or “How did she do it?” And I will never be able to answer either of those. Not for you, for me, for her or anyone else. It’s grace that keeps me alive after these harsh questions.
After she passed we had not 1, not 2, or 3 but 4 funerals on 2 different coasts. FOUR services. I couldn’t remember a single one if I had to, but that shows how many people came to say goodbye to her. How many friends she had around the world, and how many lives she impacted.
There has not been anything more difficult to me than losing someone in my immediate family. Someone I talk to every day. Someone that has known me daily since birth. Here today, gone tomorrow is an actual physical pain.
Of course, after this, to me there could not have been a God.
Why would He let this happen?
Why wasn’t He looking out for me?
Why didn’t He comfort her more?
Why didn’t she tell someone?
I could spend the rest of my life pondering and asking questions. But that isn’t the point.
Here is the point. Ready?
This earthly life is brief. Life in heaven is forever. If nothing makes your problems feel smaller, then give them an eternal perspective. And as my mom would always say, “Some people wish they had your problems.”
We will all pass, but will we all live?
Will we live a life of significance?
How many people will feel so touched by us that we will need more than one funeral service?
I have been redeemed by the love and grace of Jesus from this, and it has shaped me.
The number 7 biblically means completion and perfection. I will always miss my mother, but today on this 7th year I am going to let it go. She would be more than proud of my journey, and I will see as not to dwell.
And then there were three.
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“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18
