I walk through hardship silently. I nod and keep my mouth shut, and I smile when others ask how I am. I bow my head, pray silently, and say amen. Ignoring troubles and looking forward isn’t supposed to be spiritually healthy, it’s supposed to be a coping method, a way to get through each day safely. I have doubts about who I am in him, what my worth is and how worthy of his grace I am. I have regrets about the past and fear of the future.
But God is’t afraid of how I feel. He is not scared of me breaking down. He is not intimidated by confrontation, and He is ashamed when I act as If He is. The God of the universe is not afraid of how I feel, and He is not afraid when I break down and question Him.
See the thing that makes God so much higher than any other is that He sees beauty in brokenness. He smiles when instead of closing my eyes and hiding, I admit that my edges are a little rough. He loves when I open my mouth in truth when asked how I am. And He calls me child when my prayers are not from respect and obligation, but from a place of needing Him so desperately that there is no where else to turn.
The Father doesn’t believe that beauty means refinement and perfection. Beauty is truth. Beauty is being authentically who you are. Beauty is brokenness, because when we can admit that we are broken, who else do we have to build us back up but the Father himself?
Sometimes confrontation with myself and the Lord isn’t pretty. It’s not always peaceful prayers and joyful serenity. Sometimes it’s runny mascara and me on my knees with my head bowed to the ground. Sometimes it’s throwing my hands up in surrender as I realize that the troubles I have are not my burdens to bare alone. Sometimes it’s admitting to myself that I am in the wrong, or I really don’t know what’s best. And it is always making the decision to cry out when I feel lonely or hurt or desperate. He’s seen me at my worst, and He has seen me at my best. But the only reason that I have a “best” is because I lived in a moment of complete surrender, and because at least for a time I accepted a part of the identity that He gave me. I believed that I am who He says that I am.
He sees beauty in my brokenness.
He feels pride when I surrender.
And He feels loved when I am truthful.
