For some reason, going into the race, I had an expectation that as soon as I got here I would feel God’s presence. Like just because I’m in another country my testimony would automatically be strengthened. Ridiculous right? The past week has been hard. It’s easy to feel alone or without support when I’m in a place without familiarity. And I’ll admit openly that there have been multiple prayers sent up asking the Lord where He is. I know He’s here, otherwise we wouldn’t be in the DR. And I know He wants to show me that, that He wants to be present because He has a desire to connect with me. I also know that I’m stubborn, and even though I have a testimony that my God is faithful, I also have a testimony that as a human, I’m not. I doubt, and I’m unnecessarily hesitant.
Knowing God on an intimate level is hard, especially when you have a strong desire to connect with Him but don’t. Wanting to feel the Holy spirit, and asking the Lord over and over and over again for Him to pour into you is sometimes like chasing after someone, but every time you get a little closer to them they turn a corner, fading from view all together. There are glimpses of my life when I can so clearly recall feeling the Holy Spirit, like I knew the Lord, like I belonged to Him. And as the past two years have progressed that desire to grow closer to Him has gained power. It’s like a breeze that started out soft and gentle but keeps picking up, gaining momentum with each new experience, with each new lesson and has become forceful.
I NEED to have God in my life. It’s not a want or a hobby I’m pursuing because the thought of living for something bigger is fun, or because I simply enjoy the thought of someone so mighty loving me. It’s not a cool idea or phase I’m going through. It’s becoming slowly and steadily the core of my identity. The reason for living, and breathing, and having a desire to have impact on people. The idea of not having a relationship with God hurts. It’s physically painful, like heart restricting, taking my breath away painful. And I know that may sound dramatic, and it may sound intense but here’s the deal, so is God. Everything about Christ and the gospel is intense. Knowing that He gave up His life for ME is powerful. Knowing that the Lord expects me to have a die to self mentality is dramatic. Knowing in my heart that surrendering my life, my hopes, or my own wants might mean leaving people or places I love is INTENSE. But what’s more intense is how BIG God is in comparison to all of the problems I just listed.
I was reading in Isaiah 66 today and verse one said that Heaven is the throne of the Lord, and the earth His footstool. If earth is His footstool, how minimal am I? And even more mind blowing is that the king of all kings, Abba, Yahweh, master of the Universe, our creator…loves me. He chose ME to be a part of his family. He’s invited ME to come to His table and be called a disciple.
I signed up for the world race for a lot of reasons. And in explaining my plan I’ve told a lot of people multiple things; I came because I want to get to know the Lord, I came because I want to learn to live in community, I came because I felt that I was called. Here is the absolute honest truth though, which crazy enough didn’t even hit me until today. I was sitting on a terrace above our rooms. Racers were all around me sitting in their hammocks, Hillsong was playing in the background as rain pounded violently on the metal roof above me. I was sitting at the edge by the railing, my muddy feet dangling below me as I stared out in awe at the Beautiful Dominican mountains, and I realized that all of the reasons that I came on this race were wrong. I might have had good intentions, and whatever I believed obviously helped in pushing me towards this point in my life. But I didn’t come just because He called me. I did not come because I am already strong in the Gospel. I’m not here because I simply want to travel. And there’s no way I came because I wanted to simply gain knowledge about the gospel.
I’m in Lajas because I need to learn to LIVE the gospel, how to walk in it every hour and every minute and every second. I’m here because in the bible it says that the Lord chases after me, he pursues me! And I owe it to him to start pursuing back. I’m here because I am not a humble, selfless disciple, but a broken servant. A girl who still has a life time of learning and guidance that requires a Father. I’m here because I need 9 months to spend on the Lord. Giving Him my undivided attention and love. I need to focus on living in the moment and basking in the presence of my Father, not on whats at home or who I’m leaving. Because ultimately any relationships or goals in other parts of life I have, even family oriented, that aren’t founded on God at least through me aren’t worth pursuing.
Today has been a day of lots of tears, of realizing that I’m in a foreign country, unprepared and uncomfortable. It’s been hours of deep thought, and passionate prayer, and staring out at the mountains with teary eyes, hoping I would feel him sitting beside me, hoping that I would find comfort in knowing why I came here. But he didn’t. Not yet. I’ve been walking towards the lord. Taking my own time, sometimes getting distracted along the way. And I’m realizing finally how unfair that is. Relationships go two ways. He has given me EVERYTHING. Love, comfort, someone to trust in, mercy, grace, forgiveness, sympathy, a constant companion, the opportunity to have more blessings then I can count, and eternal life.
What have I given Him?
I’m in the Dominican right now because I’ve decided to finally pursue my Father with true intent. To give Him all of me, to put all of my trust in him, and to accept that my life in my own hands is not the best life for me. Today was hard for me, and tomorrow will be hard, and the next day, and the next, and the next. But I’m chasing something that I know is attainable if I don’t give up. I’m deciding right now to fight for the most important relationship in my life. And I’ve decided that I want this year’s goal to be for the aching in my heart and the longing for God to stop, and I want to start aching for others to have him as intimately as I hope too. As I know I can. And As I know I will.
