Hola from Argentina!!! We’re staying at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base in Mendoza, Argentina this month with the whole Squad doing everything from manual labor to outreach in the city. It’s already been super challenging and growing.
Earlier this week in team feedback, one of my teammates told me “I’ve observed that in trying situations or in varied situations, when I or the team ask ‘how are you feeling/doing’, you seem to always put on a strong front or brave face.” She continued, and affirmed that “part of that is a testament to the positive person you are buttttt we still want you to be fully open and vulnerable because we want to know about your stuff and care for you regardless.”
Out loud I said, “Wow thank you, I didn’t even realize I was doing that”, but my mind said “okay that’s just me, I’m a positive person”. However, the next morn, as I was sitting in my hammock sipping coffee, the Lord tied a million things together and opened my eyes to what I was missing out on. He helped me realize that ever since high school, I have had a reputation of “being nice” or “being positive”. And instead of using those gifts to glorify God, I used them to glorify myself. I felt as if I had this unsaid, made-up expectation that I needed to live up to this reputation – always. And so I strove to live out these ordeals to please the people around me while simultaneously stuffing my feelings away out of a fear of man mentality.
And thus, the comment from my teammates. My positive demeanor had become so subconsciously part of who I thought I had to be that I couldn’t bring people into my real-time thoughts.
That morning in my Eno, the Lord helped me realize that any adjective people have attached to my name over the years does NOT define me. And striving to live those adjectives out for the sake of pleasing others is exhausting, fruitless, and unfulfilling. He reminded me for the millionth time that no matter how great or small my status or reputation here on Earth may be, I will only be fully satisfied through Jesus. God loved me before the foundation of the World, aka before I had the ability to perform. And that solely being a Child of God is enough for His fulfilling love. He reminded me that I simply can focus on walking in dependence and obedience to my Father and trusting in His love and goodness for my life.
So this is me, living in new freedom of vulnerability and renouncing the fear of man.
