Since I can remember, I have struggled with the concept of self-worth. I remember being at gymnastics practice around the age of 10 or 11 and wondering why I wasn’t good enough to be with the girls with my age. The idea of not being “good enough” to be in a higher level of gymnastics bled over into my everyday life, and I began believing I was not good enough in general, no matter what I did. I did not realize it then, but I wholeheartedly believed my worth was determined on how well I did at certain things – gymnastics, dance, being a good friend or babysitter, or getting good grades. I tried to be good enough. I let my actions define me, and as a flawed human, this was a very bad thing.
The struggle with my worth escalated in high school, but due to the help of good parents, good mentors, and a good good heavenly Father, I was able to begin tearing up these lies that I had planted and pruned in my heart for so long.
It didn’t make the problem go away, though.
I was able to tear up these lies, but once they were gone, there was just a vacant space in my heart. No lies, sure, but no truth either. Just a bit of emptiness.
I brought my personal journal to Training Camp. I’ve been writing in this particular journal for almost two years, and on the outside, it still looked new. The front of the journal was covered in encouraging quotes, and the spine said “Be Legendary.” It had an uplifting feel to it.
At Training Camp, that changed. The spine started to break, the pages began falling out, and the overall look was rough. I didn’t think much of it until I got home, however.
One day at camp, we talked about ‘earthquake moments’ – a moment in your life that changed you, or changed the way you viewed the world. My earthquake moment happened two years ago, and it was really when my self-worth fell through the floorboards. The lies I planted in my heart had blossomed into trees, and it made for a very difficult junior year of high school.
After talking about earthquake moments, we were given one hour to process through them. I grabbed my journal, a few markers and some paint, and drew how I felt for the past two years. It covered eight pages of my journal, and let me tell you, it was not pretty art. I thought about the lies I had told myself for so long, and the truth that Christ says I am. I thought about all of the things He has said to me throughout my life, and the fact that so often, I ignored Him.
He helped me burn down the rest of the lies I believed. He gave me a clean heart, ready to be filled by His truth.
Later that week, half of the spine on my journal fell off. It had been breaking all week, and finally, it came undone. My journal had said, “Be legendary,” but by the end of the week, the “Be” was gone. What was left was the truth God had been trying to plant in my heart for so long now.
You don’t have to try and BE. You ARE.
For so long, I have tried to be good enough. What I never understood was that I AM good enough. My actions will not change my worth, for better or for worse. I AM good enough, just how He created me.
Jesus ripped my journal. Perfectly. I don’t even know how it could have torn how it did if it wasn’t Him. He ripped the spine off the journal, and the lies out of my heart. And the great thing about Jesus is that He will not leave it empty. The instant I tore out the lies is the instant He planted His truth in my heart.
