This past week has been so difficult for no other reason than my lack of faith. I’ve molded God into trivial tasks I need to accomplish. He’s been the papers that were due, the finals being tallied, the expenses of car repair. While He is able to provide through all of these, He is not my to do list. He is constant, but not convenient. I stop often to realize that I toss the Holy Spirit in with my spare change until I need some extra joy. Until I feel a void in my heart that for some reason doesn’t make sense to me until I open my fists and realize I’m left with a quarter and some lint, because Jesus said “hello, I didn’t die for this.” Some days we need that reality.
This past week has been difficult, because I’ve allowed the fears and trepidations of my heart to grow more momentous than the everyday victories. In doing so, the enemy has strategically placed consistent worries in the pit of stomach.
Unqualified. Unable. Unworthy.
In getting hit with these sucker punches, I’ve come face to face with the enemy and stopped long enough to say “wait, I am all of those things.” I am impressively unqualified. I am in no way able. I am never going to be worthy. This week I’ve forgotten the flip side to these inabilities. I’ve forgotten that in Jesus’ frequent Q & A, He’s answered these anxieties time and time again.
I am.
My papaw spoke the same simplistic truth of this response yesterday. Let’s guess who timed that conversation. He’s been the first person that I’ve talked to about the genuine uncertainty I’ve been feeling. He asked if I was ready to which I confidently responded “oh no, but I don’t think there will be a point where I’ll feel entirely equipped.” He calmly said “well, this is big. You’re the one to do it though. You won’t ever be ready.” I think hearing it made it more real, knowing that I’m going into a nine month leap of faith with nothing but a stubbornly obedient heart and open arms. Isn’t that what we’re all doing? Yesterday we sat on the porch listening to the thunder. It was loud and we both mumble. Somehow through the storm, I still heard him. Somehow through the storm, I still heard Him. Thank you for the quiet in the chaos, Papaw.
