You know, the Lord has been showing me so much lately about a lot of things. If you read my last blog post you would have seen how God talked with me about my focus on him and not the process. He has also been showing me things of himself in scripture and stories I have read and heard many times (be on the lookout for my next blog about that). But here recently I have been asking God to show me myself and more of who I am. Let me tell you, he has been doing that. He has been revealing to me the good, the bad and, and the ugly parts of myself. With all of that together, he has encouraged me that I don’t share my life at all. Yes on my blogs I share the things I am learning and experiencing and will occasionally share struggles, but if I am honest, those things are all surface level and they do not at all dive deep into who I am and who God is transforming me into.
Even more so, In my day to day life I hardly share anything at all with people I encounter face to face. This has bothered me a little bit, not because I do not do it, or because I sense the Lord encouraging me to, but it is bothering me because of what people have told me lately : “Dylan, it seems like you just have your life together with your head on your shoulders,” or “You know, Dylan, you are the most Christian person I know.” Yeah, it feels good to hear those comments, but in reality they make me cringe because if only people really know what is going on, they may not say that.
Yall, even now, I am nervous writing all of this out, but I want to be completely obedient and transparent and I want my real self to show. I have been living in my false self for far to long and It makes me question what is really me any more. The false self that I am speaking of that I live in is perfection and performance. I am the type of person who has to do everything perfectly right the first time, and if I don’t I will perform it as if it is right. I do this more so in my spiritual walk towards others. What I mean by that is, I don’t like for people to see me struggle or know I am battling anything and so I will give off the impression or go about my life and day as if everything is peachy and great and nothing is wrong. I do this because I think people will think that I am not a genuine Christian, even though I think this about myself at times. Even now, I have been walking in life not 100% following Jesus and living as Christ, which is what should be happening. It also does not help that the perfectionist in me knows this so the self condemnation comes with it, I totally understand Paul when he says ;I do the things I don’t want to do and I don’t do the things I want to do,” even more so now (romans 7). I have also believed the lies that have come to mind that says: “Oh, if you ask this, then people will think that you are unsure in your faith.”
“you have to follow God perfectly in order to be loved by him.”
“You can’t mess up because if you do God will be mad at you”
“You know what is right and you still did wrong, how could you.”
Those are just some of the lies and thoughts I have believed that feeds my false self. I also try to perfectly explain things whether its God’s truth, or how to do something, and I try to be the example of what a “good Christian” should be, but there is no such thing as a good Christian. However, I will live and act as if everything is ok and perform how I am supposed to.
As mentioned earlier, because I fee don my false self, the whole transparent and vulnerable part happens, but at the bare minimum. I can share those parts of me one time and not really keep talking about or share the progress or set backs that occur, I don’t allow those deep parts of me that are real regardless if it’s good, bad or ultimately ugly. so why talk about this now? Well its simple. 1. God encouraged me to share my life and let him speak into it through others as well as clean my heart by bringing things to light. 2. In this season for the next year I will be living and serving in raw Christ like community whom will see the real me and call me to higher in Christ. There is healing in this as well as deliverance and growth as well as conformity to the image of Christ ( 1 peter 5:8-9).
God has reminded me truth in His word that help negate these lies and will help me to live in the real me and not my false sense of perfection and performance
“it is by grace you are saved through faith so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2
‘Nothing will ever be able to separate you from the love that is in Christ Jesus.’ Romans 8
So this is really me, not that I was being fake, but I was restricting myself from showing all of the real me and not just the parts I want people to see or the parts I cover up by performance and perfection. Jason Gray’s song glow in the dark has a verse that says:
Show your wounds
show your flaws
show them why you STILL need the cross
let them see the work he’s doing in you
that even in the darkest place,
his love can make you radiate.
So here I am and the parts that I don’t share often.
