Hey y’all.
So today I want to share a little with you guys. This isn’t the first time I’ve written about anxiety, but yesterday I experienced something unlike any other attacks I have had in the past.
I woke up yesterday morning, and had my quiet time with Papa before church. As I was gearing up for the day, putting on the armor, I suddenly felt so ashamed…Weak. Disgusting. I started crying out over Psalm 51:10-12
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
There was such a sense of grief and shame. And that’s when it hit me, I was under attack. And then I got so, so mad. I started speaking out against that devil, casting him out of my home.
But there was still something I couldn’t shake.
Church was so good. Our pastor actually spoke a little bit on Psalm 51. We had a beautiful intercession time during the last part of the service. It felt so good to my soul.
But that something would not leave.
For Super Bowl Sunday we headed to Nashville to spend time with Derek’s brother, sister in law, and our beautiful niece. I felt ancy during the drive. But that’s normal when you almost get hit by a 18-wheeler.
We pulled into their subdivision and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt my pulse begin to race. It started in my chest…pulsing through my arms, locking my body in my seat, eventually pounding through my ears. My lungs forgot their basic function and felt like water started filling them.
I know this sensation all too well. Panic attacks have been a part of my life since I was 17, maybe even before.
Once I figured out how to breathe again, I kept an eye on my pulse, and told Derek what was going on. He is so good to me, and knows how to handle these things. Normally an attack will hit and pass…like a nasty hit and run.
But something was still nagging.
Super Bowl time hits, and the party people arrive. Normally I’m great in social situations. I love mingling, talking to new people, watching people, and I always enjoy a good rotel dip.
But that drowning feeling officially swallowed me. I felt outside of my body. Breathing was rare, and all I could think about was how to get out of there.
But of course I didn’t want to be rude. But I couldn’t get out of my toxic shell.
My best friend called at one point after I texted her saying I finally understood what social anxiety attacks really felt like. She has struggled with it for years, and hearing her voice was such a sweet comfort.
I’m never taking her to a large gathering again.
Eventually the Patriots came back and won the Super Bowl. That didn’t help things.
Everyone left after the last touchdown. I felt exhausted, ravaged by the anxiety.
When Derek and I went to bed, I just lost it. I was crying and upset about things that aren’t that big of a deal. I cried myself to sleep, soaking his shirt, and stopping up my left nostril.
I could feel Papa’s sweet Spirit over me as I slept, setting up a few extra angels for my sake around our room.
I wanted to share because anxiety is something we need, as a society, to talk about more. There is nothing wrong with having an anxiety disorder. Just like being clinically depressed isn’t wrong. Sometimes our chemicals become unbalanced creating these reactions.
But something I’ve recently learned through these struggles: this is an area where I am faulty. I was reading in 2 Corinthians 4 today. Specifically verses 6 through 7.
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
I was so confused at first about verse 7. Like, weren’t we just talking about light shining out of darkness, HELLO. But then in the footnotes of my Bible, I saw an explanation about those jars of clay.
“Jars of clay, a common metaphor in the ancient world for human weakness. God triumphs amid human weakness, embodying the principle of Christ’s crucifixion.”
Woah. This is so me right now. And yesterday. And always. I am so, so weak. This body of mine has been dying since the day I was born. But how much more can His light shine through my weakness? Yes, anxiety is wrong when you focus on it and let it get you in a place of distraction. Flip back through Matthew 6, 1 Peter 5, and Philippians to see what Papa is talking about. But our enemy knows our weakness, and he is throwing flaming darts at us constantly. He is waiting to hit the right crack.
But y’all, neither life nor death, nor angels or rulers or presidents or generals, nor things happening right now or things about to happen, nor powers, nor height or depth, NOR ANYTHING ELSE IN ALL CREATION can separate us from the love, from the power, from the protection of Jesus.
So my body had an extremely weak day yesterday. Through it all Papa was THERE. He did not let me fall. He did not let me get hurt. He was strengthening me for future battles to come. He allowed me to catch a glimpse of what my brothers and sisters with social anxiety deal with everyday. Oh my goodness, I can pray for Bevan in a way I never knew how. And I am so grateful for that.
One way I have learned to fight through my anxiety is to use it to help others. Even if it’s just to say, ” I’ve been there. I know it sucks.”
But how much stronger are those of us fighting anxiety, depression, bi-polar disorder, and so many other “mental health” issues? Sometimes it’s not about having more “faith”. Sometimes, it’s about someone other than yourself.
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been pretty self-focused in my prayers recently. Of course I pray for my husband, my fellow racers, my family, those immediately in MY life. But what if every person that was lost that I prayed for would get saved today?
Why am I not praying desperately for revival when the reason we want to go to these 11 countries is to bring revival? Why am I not praying for a spiritual awakening in our country when we so desperately need something to unite us?
So, thank you for reading this update. I know it was a lot. But I felt like I needed to share, maybe open that conversation about anxiety, depression, and other disorders that are “taboo”. Know, as a sister in Christ, I love you no matter what. And if you need to talk, I’m here. If you need someone to pray with, I’m here. But you know who is so much better than I am?
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew. 11:28-30
