All the feels.
The only way to explain what I’m feeling right now as we bus to our final destination before America: Final Debrief. All of our leadership/coaches/ASQLs are flying in and are going to hold sessions, discussions, time, advice and counsel on transitioning back into “real life” and of course goodbyes are happening. The beautiful thing is that some will really be goodbyes and others will only be “see you laters” and for those I am thankful. I have formed many different bonds throughout my race, some pretty shallow and surface-level, some really deep and life-long. For those shallow ones, I’m sorry that I didn’t invest more of my time in pursuing you. For those deep ones, thank you for being exactly who you are and allowing me in to see the deeper parts of you. I know that this won’t be the last time we see each other and that’s helped a lot with processing and accepting the fact that this chapter is indeed coming to an end.
When I began this November seemed like light years away and honestly I questioned if I would even make it. I didn’t really know if I had what it took to do this but I felt sick thinking about not finding out, at least giving this World Race thing a try you know. So that’s what I did. I was battling getting on the plane in Florida. I knew that I was committed after that but I was torn because a flight would be cheaper to just go back home from there instead of South America. I honestly had almost been convinced to just stay back. Spoiler alert: I ended up getting on the plane.
This journey started out rocky for me already. I hadn’t really bonded with anyone on my team and they all seemed for more “Christiany” than me. I felt like a black sheep amongst lions. So I had to rise up and admit to my team and myself that I had no idea what I was doing. Lol. This was my first Missions trip and my first “big leap of faith” other than accepting Christ I’d ever done. I didn’t even know what that mean but man did they love me through my growing pains. They called me higher, in immense love, and they extended grace when I refused to let go of my sin. I learned so much from each individual teammate and we went through so much together. We almost always came out stronger through every trial. I knew I was on the “Dream Team” after a few months. I just knew that when they split us up it was going to hurt. These had become my people and I loved them so much! Then they did split us up and I was asked to step into the role of being a team leader and I WAS terrified. I had been praying into this since like month 3 and just felt that it was coming and I was really excited but also very terrified and it was an all girls team and that was even more scary. So we transitioned into our new teams and I didn’t have any idea how to lead them or how to come alongside them and at first I just wanted to imitate my old leaders way of Leading but I knew I’d fail if I did that because we all lead in our own unique ways. That still didn’t stop my expectations from soaring though. I wanted what my old team had and I think that caused this new team to suffer a little because of it. Comparison truly is the thief of joy and it took me a while to actually grasp that. I also didn’t realize for a while that my seasons in growing with the Lord and from the team were going to look different than they did before. The first four months of my race really brought about intense breakthrough and revelations and these months following looked a lot more like walking those things out that I had learned and walking in new freedom in them. I didn’t understand that until a few months in. I felt so discouraged and was longing for that challenge again and felt idle in my walk with the Lord because I wasn’t experiencing these things. I questioned my growth and believed that I had come to my stopping point and was angry at myself because I wasn’t doing all that I could to grow.. I came to realize that we say we go through seasons for a reason. They aren’t permanent and can look drastically different at times so I was learning and am still learning how to walk in refinement now that I feel all or almost all the major breakthroughs have happened. I’m still learning how to maneuver in this new creation that I am and even though its hard and annoying and crazy it’s beautiful. I have never lived a life I’ve looked forward to until now and while I may not know it all I know someone that does and I trust Him to take control completely. So I lift up my glass of -water currently- to you Father and to this past 11 months. Its been a crazy, wild beautiful ride so far and I’m so excited to see where all we go. *** Squad Leading, I’m coming for you next***
