How do you explain to someone that you have changed without saying the words?
How do you ask someone to understand what you have just went through without making them feel lesser?
How do you cope with the things you have seen and heard and lived and spoke?
How do I go back home?
I dont know… I really don’t know…
This blog might be long… but its because I truly don’t know how to wrap up this journey in a simple blog. These words and this computer and this format can never portray the emotions running through my brain.
If you decide to stop half way or to finish reading now, I understand and I want you to know before you go that I am so thankful for you. Even if this is your first time reading my blogs or if you are someone who had donated and you have read every blog… thank you. This opportunity has been a dream and a blessing and nothing short of a miracle. I can’t even express the journey WE have just gone on. Thank you. Wow… thank you.
In less than 48 hours I will land in American soil and this season will be over. The thing I fought for and worked so hard for will be over. All the lessons, all the tears, all the laughter, all the everything will be over. Ministry is done. Debrief is almost to a close. I pack my bags tonight. My flight leave tomorrow. My new reality is coming.
My view of home isn’t the same. What even is home anymore?… home was my compound in India. My village in Nepal. My apartment in Zimbabwe. My metal box of …. interesting in Zambia. My tiny house in the corn and flower fields in Malawi. My gated area with 40 other people here in Ecuador. My home is constantly changing and my home is not NE anymore. My home used to be NE but going back to America and ending this season I have come to realize that home isn’t a place, its truly where your heart is. I am not going home… I am going back to ONE of my homes… theres a weird but beautiful difference in that.
My view of the world isn’t the same. I now know different cultures. I’ve seen the poverty we see on TV. I met people that the news was talking about. I lived and adapted to new ways of life. My wants changed because the world I was living in at the time made me adapt and change. My political opinions are different and my view of the world is new. I realized that the world is a lot smaller than TV makes it seem and its also a whole lot different.
My heart has grown. I have held babies knowing they have no one to love them after I leave. I have hugged women knowing when they go home they will be beaten or mocked. I have spent time with elderly adults knowing I was the only one to actually speak in their direction for years. I have fed children knowing after I leave they probably won’t have a consistent source of food anymore. I have seen brokenness, lived in brokenness, and felt brokenness. My heart is bigger and more aware. I have learned that part of pouring out is also leaving pieces of your heart behind. This is painful.
I am more mature. I have lived over seas on my own. I have had to “adult”. My first time living in an apartment and having to take care of myself was in Africa. I am 19 years old and my first time being an adult was abroad… that grows you real quick. I am socially aware, very conscious of my surroundings, and I can get from point A to point B even with a massive language barrier. I learned how to budget, shop, cook, pay for housing, and much more. This past year has been hard but also super rewarding as I have grown as a person and adult.
I am spiritually more mature. I have a scripture knowledge from memory that I didn’t have before. I seek out and want time with the Lord each and everyday. I am more in tune with his voice and I can more hear what he is saying. I have been pushed in my faith by my community, and by having to do ministry everyday as a full-time job. Its been a beautiful journey of growing in knowledge, pouring out what the Lord teaches me, getting poured into by my fellow squadmates, finding the Lord in ministry each and everyday… and learning how to live missionary wherever I go. This journey made me go from doing quiet times once a day and working at my church once a week… to doing quiet times once a day and bible studies with my teammates once a day and going to ministry sometimes more than once a day and going to church or sometimes having to create your own church multiple times a week and having deep spiritual one on ones with people throughout the week…and more. Its been crazy. Its been hard. Its been rewarding. Its been a beautiful experience. I am leaving the field with a spiritual maturity I never thought I would have before.
I am going to miss waking up to an African child waiting outside my door to play with them. I am going to miss being asked to preach 5 minutes before a service starts. I am going to miss going stir crazy in a house with 10 other girls cause we have no running water or internet and so we have hour long dance parties to pass the time. I am going to miss the random worship jam sessions. I am going to miss never being alone… never ever being alone. I am going to miss the bobbling of heads in India. I am going to miss being the only white people around or never understanding the language. I am going to miss the kids I fell in love with. I am going to miss the people I held when they were crying. I’m going to miss the mouths I helped feed. I’m going to miss the friends I made in each country. I am going to miss living out of a backpack and that “having too much stuff” meant all you owned was around 50 pounds. I am going to miss the diversity of asia, the peace and love and thankfulness of Africa, and the generosity and grace of south america. I am going to miss my new family. I am going to miss even so much more… so much more.
Going home is going to be hard after living the way I have for so long. I am leaving behind a season full of fruit and love to enter a new season full of new beginnings. This journey isn’t nearly the end for my missions efforts. God has placed this calling on my life for a very prevalent and bold reason. He called me and I picked up the phone and swallowed my pride and said yes. I didn’t say yes for this season only… I said yes for all seasons of my life up ahead. I dont know what is next… I don’t know where I will be or what I will be doing… but what I do know is I will still be pursuing the Lord and letting him guide me. Maybe ill find myself back in Africa or maybe I will find myself stateside for alittle while. I’m going to leave it up to the lord because I know his timing is so much greater than mine could ever be. The lord has led me this far and I have no doubts that he isn’t finished with me yet.
My squad mentor told us all two nights ago something that really stuck with me… this season shouldn’t be the highlight of my life. This season has been amazing and this season has been a dream… but I need to be striving for more. God has no limits and he has more planned for me, for you, and for his kingdom. God can top this season, even if it looks different than this season did.
I am ready to see whats next. I am ready for the plane to land back in the good ole USA. I am ready to take what I have learned and pour it out to my own community and area. I am ready to live on mission in the states. I am ready for this scary transition. I am ready to find out how God is going to use me in bigger and bolder ways.
I am ready. With a heart broken and eyes trying stay looking up… I am ready.
“Dear Lord Jesus God,
I pray that you plant peace into my squad as we leave and into my heart as this season ends. Please never let me forget the faces I met or the hearts I bonded with. As this season becomes more and more of a memory I pray for the ministries I partnered with and that you will let them keep blooming long after I leave. I pray that the work that was done will be picked up right where we left off and that you will continue to bless the seeds we planted. Keep our hearts burning with a passion for more and more of you. Everyday fill our spirits with a drive to continue the race stateside. Help us transition home. Help the culture shock. Help us in the overwhelming store runs and driving a car for the first time. Help our families and friends to understand and help us to understand them too. Plant joy. Plant peace. Plant continued adventure. Plant a zest for life. Plant a desire to love. Continue to give us a desire to continue serving you. Use me lord. Thank you lord. Wrap your hands around us now… give us a yes in our spirit and a readiness that can only come from you.
Amen”
Keep your eyes peeled for a blog when i get home.
and as always… thank you and i love you.
