My next blog will be about either my team, my ministry, or something else I think up… but for now I just need to peel back some layers and let y’all in on how I ACTUALLY am doing.
I am hurting. I am confused. I am conflicted. I am stretched thin. I am halfway done with the race.
The race so far has been the highlight of my life. I have learned so much, seen so much, and experienced so much all in the journey getting here, and while on the race so far. So many moments of joy, and delight, and peace, and love has been seen and experienced. I love where I am and I wouldn’t change anything even if I had the chance… but that doesn’t make it easy.
I post only about the happy moments and I post only what people want to see because that is what social media is for. We never want to make ourselves look bad because we want others to think our lives are adventurous, and unique, and cool, and exciting and we want people to see the joy we are experiencing… but life isn’t always happy and sometimes the happy moments aren’t the things we experience the most. Sometimes we feel pain more than we feel joy. Sometimes the journey getting to the joy is longer than how long our joy actually lasts. Sometimes God pulls us through things because he is teaching us something and rather than us sharing those moments, we only share the end result when it concludes with joy.
In India I grew more in that month than I had in all my life spiritually, emotionally, in maturity, and in life skills. I was overloaded with adventure and joy and excitement which is what I posted about on social media and on my blogs… but I also struggled a lot with trust. I became a worrier. There were things I was dealing with that I wasn’t allowing myself to work through because I was constantly busying myself with other things. God taught me that month how to rest and it was a painful and hard lesson.
In Nepal I experienced more adventure in the first week, let alone my entire life up to that point. God showed me his beauty and his grace in that month. God also asked me to sacrifice my worries and plans for my life and to surrender them to him. God showed me he wanted me to trust that the blessings he had given me he would continue to bless and that he would keep laying down a path for me to follow. That month was a hard one for me as I struggled to figure out how to sacrifice and what it even looked like to surrender.
In Zimbabwe God called me deeper into what it looked like to surrender not only my plans for my life but also my view of myself. He called me deeper into figuring out who I knew I was and who God saw me as. I was pushed a lot into boldness and into letting go of control in a lot of areas of my life. I learned to lighten up a bit in some areas of my life and to put up more structure in others. It was hard walking through those things and balancing the emotions of being on the race for 3 months at that point too.
In Zambia I learned how to have peace and trust. In Zambia I began a cycle of anxiety that I didn’t expect to pop up and it’s a cycle that has only continued since then. I walked through a lot of unnecessary comparison in a variety of situations and I walked through figuring out how to find peace and have trust in God through it all. Zambia was a month of learning how to live my life the way I know I should rather than the way other people think I should. I learned a lot about community and what I value in community and how much I love community. Leaving Zambia and going into team changes was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. The amount of tears shed and heartbreak I experienced was insane… but it allowed for God to enter in and create more space for his spirit to bloom me more.
Now in Malawi I am only 2 weeks into a 2 month journey here and I already can see where God is wanting to push me. So far I have dealt with joy, beautiful findings, exciting new opportunities, laughter, and growth… but I also have experienced harsh transitions, anxiety, stress, self judgment, people pleasing, worry and exhaustion.
But that’s okay
It’s okay for me to feel those things because that just means God is still working. If I felt perfectly than I would never need God to help me or guide me… because I am having a harder time that just gives me more of an opportunity to seek into him deeper. It sucks. It hurts. I am overwhelmed… but I am trusting God and using what I have learned in the past 4 months to press into where I am now.
I am learning. I am moving. I am growing. I am molding. I am getting stronger. I am right where I need to be.
I never want any of you guys to think this journey is all rainbows and butterflies 24/7 because that is the farthest thing from the truth. This journey has been the hardest and most painful experience I have ever walked through… but also the sweetest and most beautiful. Looking back on my race so far gives me chills at how much I have grown and learned and the amount of ways God has shown up to meet me right where I was at. It’s insane. It’s crazy. I’m in awe.
I am halfway done with the race. Wow.
This time next year I will be on a completely different journey. Wow.
This time 2 years from now I will be in a completely different journey than where I would be next year. Wow.
This time 3 years from now I will be in a completely different journey than where I would be 2 years from now. Wow.
And the cycle repeats.
God isn’t finished with me here and I still have 4 and a half months on the missions field to experience and grow and live this life to the fullest. Every painful moment. Every shout of joy. Every laughter of peace. Every breath I breathe. Every child I hug. Every tear I wipe. Every song I sing. Every flower I pick. Every class I teach. And every moment I experience in the next almost 5 months will be just another piece of the puzzle in this journey I am piecing together.
My prayer request would be that you guys will pray into the puzzle God is creating for not only my life, but yours aswell. Just like I am on my journey and I need to have clarity to see through the hard times to find the good and the purpose, so do you in your lives and journeys. Just because I am halfway around the world and doing things that aren’t typical doesn’t make my journey any more impactful or important than those of you living out your journeys in the states. God has called me here and he has called you there and there isn’t one place that God values more than the other. I would like you guys to pray for my and my squads hearts as we continue to seek out his kingdom and do his kingdom work… but I also want you guys to dive deep into prayer in your own lives to seek out his desire for your hearts in your own kingdom journeys that God has called YOU too.
I love you all! Thanks for reading and praying and supporting my journey! You all are the best.
