ANXIETY, DOUBT AND WORRY.
These are the three things that plague me still. I toss my thoughts back and forth in my mind like a pin ball machine, accept there never seems to be any victory. I’m a master event planner. I can concoct descriptive scenarios and life events in my head before they even happen (and for the most part what I prepare for doesn’t actually happen). This is what I like to call Mental Sabotage. Another term for this is an overthinker. Yes, that’s me. I prepare for the worst in every situation. I sabotage anything good that God gives me, because I don’t honestly believe he wants to give me good things! And it starts all in my mind. I’ll get anxious first, because I’m worried about something I can’t control, then I start to fill in the spaces of my mind with doubt. Anxiety, doubt and worry crash over me like a tsunami wave, drowning me in a sea of negative thinking. It’s hard to breathe because my body is reacting physiologically to something that hasn’t even happened yet. Weird right?
There have been several moments that I’ve caught myself wandering into the “what if’s” of my life and completely dismantling any great thing God wants to give me. I torment myself with what I thought I heard from God versus his confirmations. Then, I compare (which we all know isn’t the right thing to do) with others and their relationships with God. “Well, God if you told this person to leave their job, then maybe I should,” or “God, maybe you want me to give up this dream too like you asked her.”
ANXIETY, DOUBT AND WORRY STINK!
You feel alone in it. You feel guilt and shame. You feel pain! Anxiety can cause headaches, tightening of the chest, teeth grinding, and stomach issues. I have all of these symptoms. It’s easy for someone to say “just stop thinking that way,” but if that was the case I would’ve done that a long time ago. I’ve had to memorize scripture, ask myself random questions, go clean or cook to distract my mind, but when I’m by myself, in the silence, the wheels will start to turn and the sound of my thoughts are pounding in my head.
Where does all this come from? It stems from a pattern of thinking that may have started at childhood, adolescence or even adulthood, after experiencing something traumatic or a series of frightening, stressful events in your life. Naturally, you prepare for the worst, so you’ll never be caught off guard. For some of you reading this, this may seem completely bizarre and well… ridiculous… and to some degree you’re right. But it’s a real thing. Overthinking amplifies fears you didn’t even know you had. On the race, God shown a light to all the worries I have. This month in Costa Rica, my prayer was to go deeper with him, but he showed me that this was getting in the way of real intimacy with him. How can I have a relationship with a God who I believe only likes to hurt me ?
I remember talking to God about this in the middle of the race and I felt him tell me that when I overthink, I go before him first. That this in itself is a form of pride because I am not believing that he is in control of my future. When I overthink, I actually tell God that I know what I need and what I have to prepare for, not Him. I don’t let God be God for fear that I’ll get hurt in the end.
I must confess…
I doubt God. I doubt his promises. I doubt his goodness.
Why?
Deep inside, at the core of my beliefs, I don’t always believe that God is good.
For me, God was just someone who liked to play games. He likes to tease us with our desires and then when we just begin to enjoy them, rips the rug right out from under us, only to see us fall on our face. But this is a false belief in God. If you feel this way, you’re not alone!
So what do you do when you don’t believe God is good? What kind of Christian are you if you don’t believe that God loves us as our Father? How do you explain this to others who know that you love Jesus? These are the three questions I have had to answer myself. Maybe you’ve had to ask yourself the same thing. Here are my answers.
Firstly, when you don’t believe God is good, you ask him to show you his goodness. I’ve asked God to show me how good he is. And he has, whether that be through his word, through someone encouraging me, through his creation like in a sunset or hearing the roaring sounds of waves crashing on the shore. God has proven time and time again his goodness. I just have to CHOOSE to believe it. So ask him to do the same. Write them down too! Write down the promises and the answered prayers in a journal to always look back to. And if you still doubt him, ask him to show you the root of your doubt. What causes you to doubt the God who loves you? What causes you to doubt his faithfulness? Then ask him to help you in your disbelief. Thomas, a disciple of Jesus, doubted that Jesus had resurrected from the dead. Before his death, Thomas walked with him, saw him do countless miracles, saw his friend walk on the water, but still could not believe that Jesus actually stood true to his word…UNTIL Jesus appeared to Thomas and asked him to touch his hands and his sides ( John 20:27-29). God is not afraid to prove to you his love. He doesn’t get upset when we ask him to show us his love, because that is in his character. He demonstrated the greatest love of all by sending us his son… what more would he not do for us ( Romans 8:32, Matt 7:11). I’m still learning this too.
Secondly, the kind of Christian that you are is a son or daughter that has forgotten to whom they belong to. That’s it. This doesn’t make you a terrible Christian. That’s what the enemy would like to tell you so that you give up on God and ultimately yourself. God knows our hearts, and he knows that we are like vapor. He knows our understanding is finite and limited, but he still wants us to know how loved we are as his children. You are still a Christian. Your salvation is not in jeopardy. You and God are working out the kinks in your relationship and that’s ok. As Christians, we need to encourage each other to believe in the Father’s love for us and not put each other down because we’re struggling in our walk with Christ. So, if you’re a Christian who doesn’t always believe that he is good, this is the kind of Christian you are:
Forgiven.
Loved.
The image of God.
His precious child.
The apple of His eye.
Friend of God.
Your beliefs do not change his love for you !
The disciples were a motley crew of men who had a hard time living out their faith too, but that didn’t stop Christ from loving them. He just had to remind them of who they were. Let God remind you of who you are in him.
Lastly, you don’t have to justify yourself.The Bible says “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,” ( Romans 5:1). We are justified by our faith in God as his child, even if it’s as small as a mustard seed. We do not have to justify ourselves to others, but we can be transparent and invite others into the hard places, to uplift us. Realizing that I didn’t always believe in God’s goodness, caused me a lot of shame and grief because according to everyone I was a “model Christian.” People will always believe what they want and I can’t change that. All I can do is be real and encourage people to continue to seek after God even in the midst of doubt. Why? Because God has proven himself time and time again that he is Faithful and True. In fact those are his names ( Revelation 19:11 ). We just have to take him at his word.
HE IS GOOD.
I have to proclaim it. I have to stand firm on it. I have to choose to Believe it.
SO DO YOU.
YOU HAVE TO PROCLAIM IT. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE HIM AT HIS WORD.
Anxiety, doubt and worry crush your ability to see the goodness of God. They lead to a spiraling of warped views of God. They blind our faith. They steal our joy. Ultimately, becoming heavy weights that we lug around throughout our lives. I have to remind myself of the truth of God’s word and to put the doubts away. Life can throw you some really crazy things, but Jesus tells us to take heart for he has overcome the world (John 16:33). This means we are overcomers too.
DOUBT YOUR DOUBTS.
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!” Psalm 27:13-14
Some verses of encouragement:
Psalm 3:3-4
Psalm 34:17-19
Matthew 6:25-34
Matthew 11:28-30
John 20:27
Romans 8:24
2 Corinthians 4:8, 5:7
Philippians 4:4-8
Hebrews 11:6
Hebrews 12:1-3
*If you are suffering from anxiety or depression, it’s ok to seek professional help from your pastors or counselors. Sometimes we need to talk about the things brewing inside of us, with others. You’re not alone.
Blessings xoxo,
