January 2018:
This is not a click bait title. (Okay fine, it kindof is, honestly.)
It’s been 8 weeks since being back at home and I’ve officially decided that yes, the World Race ruined my life.
Not just in a constantly craving chicken shawarma, feeling more at home at Asia than in America, I can’t stop throwing toilet paper in the trashcan kind of way.
And it’s also not in a The World Race actually sucked, was incredibly challenging, and was debatably the hardest and worst year of my life kind of way.
It’s more in a my eyes have been opened and I can’t close them, I’m in far too deep to turn around and I wouldn’t even want to, life is crazy hard but crazy amazing, GOD IS ACTUALLY ALIVE kind of way.
And spoiler alert: it’s the worst and best thing that could have happened to me.
I want to be perfectly clear: before leaving last year, I was happily living my life. I knew I had some issues, but I thought I was fine. And truth be told, I was fine. My job was fine and school was fine and my relationships were fine and God was fine and I was fine.
And then, enter The World Race.
At first, I thought I could slide by on fine and go under the radar – with my World Race squad, with myself and with God too. And then there was a moment at training camp where I was sitting by a lake, watching ripples in the water, and I heard God say, “You’re so afraid to let me touch you, because you know it will cause great ripples in your heart and your life. But even the gentlest touch causes ripples. Trust Me.”
Then, I freaked out. I didn’t want God to cause ripples in my life. My fine life was working me. Sure, I was emotionally unavailable and I deep down didn’t believe that God cared about me and I thought love was a sham and I never really talked about all the things that I felt and I didn’t know who I was created to be and I sought affirmation from anyone that would talk to me for 5 minutes BUT I WAS FINE, DANG IT.
I didn’t need God coming in and messing up my whole system of operating. My wounds were valid. My walls protected me. I figured out what worked for me, and frankly I didn’t know who I was without my wounds and my walls.
Like I said, I was fine. Clearly.
Is anyone out there with me on this – content with your way of living because it’s what you’re used to? Better the devil you know, as the saying goes?
And there would be nothing wrong with fine. Except that Jesus didn’t die for us to be fine. He died so that we would have life to the fullest. He died for me to know with absolute certainty that I am loved, that I am valued, that I am His daughter and that means something to Him.
God ruined my old way of thinking, my self-generated identity, my religion, my heartache, my pain, my excuses, my judgments, my complacency, my small-mindedness, and the box I put both myself and Him into.
And for reasons only He knows, He dragged me across 11 countries in 11 months to do it. Going on the World Race took me to the end of myself day by day, week by week, month by month, country by country.
All these past things that made up my life, these broken pieces that I thought made me who I was, my opinions that were formed on partial truths, the desire to take care of myself because I didn’t believe God would – gone. Knocked down. Abandoned.
Like I said, The World Race ruined my life.
There aren’t enough words to describe what it feels like to grasp even the tiniest taste of God’s heart for you. It wrecks you, in the sweetest and best way possible. His love truly never ends.
While I still fall asleep listening to Rain Rain on my Iphone and often get caught wearing the same clothes for days on end, most of the hindrances of converting from a nomad back to a stationary human will eventually fade.
Life to the fullest, however, does not fade. It gets better every day.
Update from August 2018:
Even 8 months later, I still feel the truth of these words to my core – believing that even when it doesn’t make sense to me, God orchestrates His plans, His goodness and His love in my life in ways that display His glory and further His kingdom. I believe that God chooses to use things like trips across the world, advice from best friends, sovereign but seemingly random experiences, words from strangers, and His own Word to reveal His heart for me and for you in the most gracious ways that meet us right where we are at, and to lead us to where we are to go next.
While my season at home has been extremely growing for me, a couple weeks ago, I began to feel a stirring in my heart to take a step of faith and follow Him into a new season.
SO, I’m extremely excited to share that for the next four months, God is leading me back on the race as an alumni team leader for the August 2018 Expedition Route!
If you’re connecting the dots, you realize it IS August 2018 and that means I am leaving this month.. this week, actually. This has been a difficult decision process (which I can explain in a later blog!), but ultimately, I believe that God is sovereign, that He’s calling me to further obedience, and to trust that His plans are greater than mine.
Following Christ when and where He calls has been and will continue to be the wildest and safest ride of my life.
If you would like to partner with me on this journey through prayer or financial support, Lord knows I need it. To follow along – subscribe to my blog, add me on Facebook/Instagram, and/or email me at [email protected]. To donate and help me raise $4,000 for my 4 month expedition to Spain, Morocco, Cyprus and Lebanon, click here or donate to my Venmo account @caseycappa.
All that to say – I am blessed, I am thankful, I am honored by the opportunity to sacrifice pieces of my life for the glory of God.
Thank you for your part in my life, and praying blessings over you as you pursue God and His glory in your sphere, in your way.
All my love,
Ace
