On the World Race, I’ve learned the weight that can be lifted off ones shoulders when being vulnerable. Usually I only share these types of things with people that are close to me, but this time, I want to share some of my personal struggles with all of you. I feel a bit exposed and a little embarrassed, but my hopes in sharing are that people will know that they are not alone, that we are all imperfect people, healing is a journey, and that Jesus is the ultimate healer. WOOHOO!
Each month Adventures in Missions-World Race sends us something called Journey Markers which are small devotionals with check-in and reflection questions for the month. They are usually pretty lengthy so I’m only going to share with you the reflection instructions at the end.
Spend time asking God for a list of questions that he wants you to ask him.
And so, I did exactly that. I prayed and asked for questions to ask Him and then for answers to these questions. Good ol’ listening prayer. 🙂 I hope you all find this helpful.
Question #1 – Why am I so hard on myself?
I don’t want people to dislike me, be mad at me, or be mean to me. I want to be cared for. I also really dislike messing up. I so badly want to be ‘good’ since for so long I was super lost and made all the wrong choices. (I spent so many years of my life stuck in the party scene and trying to find my worth in anything but Jesus. It put me in a pit of insecurity, confusion, and anger.) Sometimes I fear that if I don’t try hard enough something bad will happen. Though I’ve grown a lot in the past couple years, I still find myself working through many fears, shame, and insecurities. I notice at times that I fear if I stop trying so hard that I will mess up and let people down.
Question #2 – What is keeping me from putting myself out their in the dating world? & Why do I shut down around guys my age… especially if they are attractive? (Just being real)
- Fear of men thinking I’m weird or too emotional, even more afraid of them vocalizing it.
- Sometimes I get worried that I’ll marry the wrong person.
- Shame because I still battle with being insecure at times.
- I put this unrealistic pressure on myself to be perfect or be better before I even consider dating.
- My mind immediately goes to thinking of how I don’t think I’m pretty enough or good enough of a person to be with them.
- Fearful that they may not love Jesus (or say that they do but actually don’t) and pressure me into doing things I don’t want to do.
Question #3 – Why do I sometimes have a hard time or feel uncomfortable when I pursue my friends or people in general?
- Past sin –> Shame.
- I realize that sometimes I strive to be a good friend. I don’t let it come naturally and then I get exhausted.
- Comparison –> Feelings of Discouragement –> Wanting to give up
- I have such a strong desire to feel wanted, loved, and pursued by friends, family, and people in general. When I believe lies that not of these things are true, I want to run away from the relationship(s).
Question #4 – I’ve had this feeling for a long time that something is ‘missing.’ I’ve prayed about it (more some days than others) but I still can’t pinpoint it. To better explain… I’m in a community of believers who love me and love Jesus. I’ve never been so in love with the Word as I have these past few months. I’ve obeyed and stepped out in faith in so many different areas when the Lord has asked me to. But still I have this feeling that something is missing. I find myself believing that I’m not doing enough, that there is something that I am forgetting to do and that that is the reason I’m still feeling this void. To be quite honest, I’m exhausted. I’m physically hurting and I feel like my pain and discomfort comes off wrong to the people around me. I believe people see it as me not wanting to talk to them or that I’m just weird when really I’m just struggling with some things. God, I need your help. What do I need to do?
- When I prayed this prayer and took time to listen, I got a series of pictures. One was of a baseball and then a baseball player going to hit the ball. I believe God was saying that I cannot strike out with Him. (cough cough, grace… mercy… forgiveness) 🙂 He reminded me of how Jesus bridged the gap for us and that in the beginning Adam and Eve sinned which resulted in separation from God. And that is where Jesus came in. He died for us, imperfect sinners, so our relationship with the Father could be restored and our sins could be forgiven. We are made perfect in and because of Christ.
- Rest.
- Abide with me.
- Come as you are.
- Their is no striving
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:8-10
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.”
Psalm 40:1
“Do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life many years, and bring you peace and prosperity. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
Proverbs 3:1-4
Question #5 – How do I keep from carrying my family’s burdens, especially when I get back home?
Side-note: For those of you that know me well, know how important family is to me. Carrying my family’s burdens is something I’ve taken on more and more throughout the years. It was never asked of me and it is nobody’s fault; it is just something I’ve grown up carrying and something I am working through with the Lord.
- Pray, rejoice, give thanks… no matter how things look.
- Pause and put on some worship music. –> This is where most experience God’s peace which surpasses all understanding. (So if ya’ll ever come over and I’m blaring worship music, singing at the top of my lungs, or dancing around my house, it’s completely normal).
- Leave ALL things in God’s control.
- Pray together.
- Pray and listen for prophetic words for my family members.
“But the one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging, and comfort.”
1 Corinthians 14:3
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
James 1:19
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
Question #6 – What do you want me to grow in and really go after in the next 3 months (the remainder of my World Race)?
- Abide.
- Trust.
- Be okay with taking baby steps.
- Have grace for yourself.
- Focus on relationship with me, the rest will overflow from their.
- Hebrews 10:14
- Remember, I (the Creator of the Universe) works through my imperfections.
I’m grateful for those of you who took the time to read this. If their is someone that you think would benefit from reading this blog, I ask that you share it with them. Their was a point earlier in my life where I desperately needed to read something like this and/or hear testimonies of the freedom that can come through vulnerability. Believe it or not, I’ve actually come a long way from where I was before coming on this trip. Healing and growth is a beautiful journey!
Once again, my heart behind sharing this blog is to encourage you all to be vulnerable with people that you trust, people that will speak truth and life over you, and that will remind you of who you truly are in Christ. You are not defined by your struggles, your past, or anything that has happened to you. We all have things that we wrestle with. I want to encourage you all to persevere through it and know that you are loved!
Sending lots of love your way from Bolivia.
-Caleigh Schuur
