There are a lot of things in life that I do not want to do. For example, I do not want to buy groceries. I know, it doesn’t make any sense because the store is where the food lives, and I want to eat the food but I just do not like going. I also do not want to floss. I hate it, 100%, I swear I have the world’s most sensitive gums. I hate waking up before 7:00. My brain literally does not function that early in the morning. I envy you “morning people.”
But right now… I rather stand in those Walmart lines, floss my teeth until my gums bleed, and wake up before the birds. Because what I am doing now, is WAY harder. Right now, I don’t wanna leave.
I am 10 days out until I leave to embark on an 11 month adventure called The World Race. I have said goodbye to best friends, co-workers, and family members… and the sucky part is, I still have more to go. I underestimated how hard this would be. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t realize I would be this scared. Scared of leaving behind everything I’ve known for the past 25 years. Leaving behind my comfort zones. Leaving behind my friends and family, knowing their lives will go on. Knowing vacations will happen without me. Knowing babies will be born without me being there to celebrate. Knowing holidays will happen with me being a world away. Life will go on for my loved ones, and I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt. With each goodbye, I find myself more and more in that state of mind. Asking God, “Why did you call ME? Why couldn’t you call SOMEONE else to give up a year of their life?”
As I sat on my bed asking God these questions, I felt like He was saying: “Sweet child, go back to those piles of old journals in your closet, where ink has splattered the pages with your prayers over the last 10 years. Go see what I have done.” As I got them down off the shelf, dusted them off, and started reading, it didn’t take me long to realize that God was simply answering my prayers. I have prayers asking Him to use me, to send me to the nations. I came across this prayer on July 11, 2010 and the green ink will forever be etched in my mind: “I want to do something huge for Your Name. I want to be a part of an extraordinary plan… if it’s Asia, Africa, or South America… I will go. And Lord when You call me to wherever you call me, I pray I will be ready.”
WWWOOOWWW! Those words stuck out as if I had marked over them in a neon yellow highlighter. If you know my route for The Race, then you know all the countries I will be going to are in Asia, Africa, and South America. I had to just sit there and cry. Cry because God heard my prayers and He was answering them. He has been so gently pulling me into His extraordinary plan, ALL ALONG. And that night He reminded me that everything I am so scared of leaving behind and the things I don’t wanna do, are worth it. JESUS IS WORTH IT ALL! Am I going to still struggle with goodbyes? Yes. Will I have days where all I want to do, and probably will do, is cry? Absolutely. But now I have a stake in the ground, knowing perhaps this is the moment for which I was created. (Esther 4:14).
I have been wandering on the mountain top, waiting for God to drop a ram in the thicket so that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice my comfort zone. So I wouldn’t have to give up the next year of my life. But now I am not wandering because my God provided and sweetly reminded me of my calling in this season. I have heard His voice, so I will arise and go. And once I am there, I promise you… I will not wanna leave. I will not want to say goodbye. I will not want to leave behind the friends and family I have made throughout those 11 months. But my Papa will provide, He will far exceed the loss with gain. He will sweetly remind me of His faithfulness and goodness. And I will arise and go to the next destination He has set out for me.
Abba, although I am scared… I am willing. I am willing to leave behind everything I hold so dear. I am willing to say a thousand goodbyes to be that much closer to You. I am willing to miss out on all those precious moments knowing that I have the privilege of being apart of Kingdom work. FOMO (fear of missing out) has nothing in comparison to the Name of Jesus. Help me to remember this. Instill in me eyes and ears for Your Kingdom. Don’t let me stray, don’t let me wander. I love you Daddy. In Jesus’ Name… Amen!
