Hello, sweet friends!
I am genuinely so sorry that I haven’t kept you all updated in a while. I did write but it was unfortunately deleted- you can thank my Guatemalan wifi.
A LOT has happened since you last heard from me. We left Nepal and flew into Chicago where I got to see my grandmother and sister and was surprised by my dad [and I was able to eat Chick-fil-A and roam around a Target for a little while.] Then we flew into Nicaragua and a few days later my mom flew in and I was able to spend an entire week with her making chairs and praying for people and working in a plantain field [speaking of which, I love plantains. Highly recommend.] Sadly though, the week went by entirely too quickly and I had to say goodbye to my mom for two and a half more months. Being able to see my family and experience what I have been doing over the past nine months with my mom was such a blessing and am so thankful for that time despite how quickly it went by.
We left Nicaragua and made it to Guatemala after a short 24 hour bus ride and also were given new teams. I am no longer a part of Toso Kala, though I am thankful that God put me together with them for most of this journey. I learned so much from each of them individually and expect nothing less than great things from every last one of them. Anyway, my new team, Vine, is an all girls team. After living with boys for six months it was really nice to have a change of pace and a change of comfortability. Girls understand things that guys just can’t and being able to discuss things with a fresh new group of Jesus lovin’ women has really been transforming my heart and growing me so much closer to the Lord.
Speaking of that- there is a lot I want to say but have been having trouble finding the words for [sorry again for the lack of blogs the last three months.] As the end of the race is rapidly approaching, I have been thinking a lot about how I have changed over the past months. I think my biggest fear for the Race was that I was going to go back home the same person that I was when I left it. I wanted this entire thing to be about pushing me closer to God and into a place where I am willing to do BIG, bold things for the Lord and for a little while I thought that I had made it all the way to the end without changing. There were lies in my head telling me that I was still the same person that I have tried so hard to get away from because I was still struggling with some of the same things that I have always struggled with, but that’s not true. I know it is a lie because right now, today, I am still struggling with with those things but I am so much closer to God than I have ever been. I understand more about how I am viewed by God than I ever have. I am in a greater understanding of my identity in Christ than I was before I left home or than I was a month ago or even than I was last week.
I don’t know if you will remember but in one of my blogs I spoke about how before I left home I spoke at a church and some how managed to have the worst cotton mouth that anyone has ever gotten in the history of history. [I still think about that day sometimes when I am going to sleep… one day I’ll stop being embarrassed…maybe…hopefully…] That day I shared a very very VERY watered down version of my story and it scared me so much that my mouth was dryer than a dessert and my knees would have buckled beneath me had I not had a death grip on the podium in front of me. I was so scared because I didn’t know who I was in Christ. I was scared of what people were thinking and I was afraid to embarrass myself [little did I know] so I ended up making that day this big dramatic thing and I DIDN’T EVEN SHARE MOST OF MY STORY. I was a scared little girl, ashamed of her story, trying to figure everything out on her own and it caused a disaster.
This morning I was talking with someone on the squad and she asked me my testimony. I told her everything about me. Everything. When it was all over and I was alone in the room trying to get ready for the day, I realized that I wasn’t even nervous. I generally have a knee shaking sensation when I delve into anything personal but I told her every last detail about my life and my knees weren’t shaking. My heart wasn’t beating a mile a minute and praise the Lord my mouth wasn’t even a little dry. I am still a scared little girl, trust me. I am far from having it all figured out, but I do know this: I will be okay because God said that in Him I would be okay- and that is enough. My story is not one of shame but one of great redemption. I am not walking in the fear that I was walking in when I left home. I am no longer walking in the guilt of my past or unknown of the future. I am no longer walking in my dirtiness or my unholiness or even my embarrassment. I am clean! I am holy! I am not embarrassing or unwanted or unknown- I am none of these things anymore. I am a child of God and that is all that I want to be. I want to be known because of who my Father is.
At home, it seems like the entire world knows my dad. If someone asks about me and I have to search for some way to relate, my go-to is always “I’m Matthew Hammett’s daughter,” and then they will know exactly who I am. I want to be that same way with God. I am so thankful to be able to boast about the fact that my Father is the God of the universe, the Creator of everything. My Father is the One that loves me enough to trade his only Son just so that I could be with Him. That’s who my Father is and I am his daughter. He calls be his kid! Do you realize how ridiculously cool that is? I am walking in that now. That is how I know that I have changed. I am a new creation [2 Corinthians 5:17] and my identity is no longer about who I am but rather who I belong to.
I am walking in this new found freedom and I am so excited to bring that back to my sweet home in Alabama [really really really really excited… I really miss home!!!!!!] I am so excited to experience the place I came from and see the people that I have known my whole life with new eyes. Now I fully understand that all of you are also a child of God. I understand what that means now.
Again, I am so sorry for the lack of blogs. It have been figuring all of this out but have just within the past couple of days been able to see the change that has taken place. I love you all and miss you all dearly. I’ll be home soon 😛
[Also, if anyone from the church I spoke out would like to give me a chance to redeem myself when I go back home, let me know. :)]
xoxo, Bailey
