I get like this sometimes. Sadness shows up, unannounced and unwelcome. It never has to have a logical reason to make an appearance, either. The fact that I have no idea what causes this sudden sadness also means that I have no freaking idea of how to get rid of it. It comes and goes when it pleases, taking my energy and happiness from me so that I won’t forget that it’s there. I have dealt with this in my life for a considerably long time, alone. Growing up, I was embarrassed and ashamed of this part of my life. I thought it was weird and I thought it made me weird so naturally, I kept it to myself. I never wanted my family and friends to look at me like I was broken, because I am not. I never wanted anyone to walk on eggshells around me. I am fine, I just get sad sometimes. Yesterday, the weather looked a lot like how I felt. The sky was gray and rain was falling and it was cold. Every once in a while, lighting would strike and thunder would roll and despite the sound being so familiar, it still sends a small surge of fear through your body. I am really into thunderstorms. I think it’s the adrenaline that comes from the risk of it all. During storms, most people take the opportunity to crawl into the comfort of their bed and wait for it to pass, but not me. I want to be in it. I want to watch. I want to experience it. I find comfort in it. Oddly enough, I find myself in the same situation when sadness rolls in. There is something comforting in knowing that things can only go up from there. Just like a storm, it shows up quickly, causes a bunch of damage and then leaves and expects me to go around the town that is my head and my heart and pick up the pieces of the destroyed homes and fallen limbs. I find myself sitting on the front porch of my mind watching the damage happen, with full knowledge of the possibility of being swept away if the winds become too strong and yet, I do not move. There is still joy to be found in the storms, though.
Yesterday when the sky was gray and crying and I was lying in my bed under the covers avoiding the world and my problems, I was handed an umbrella, from what I like to believe was the hand of God. I tend to walk out into the rain with the full intention of letting it fall down my face, so had this been a literal umbrella, I doubt I would have accepted. This particular umbrella, however, was a person who was sent my way to shield me from the rain for just long enough to help me forget about it for a while. She could see that there was a storm going on in my head and that for some reason the radio stations had been shut down and the weather alerts never reached my phone because I wasn’t prepared for the downpour. She dragged me out of my bed, requested that I put on my rain jacket and the two of us went outside. We were joined by another who loves thunderstorms just as much as I do, if not more, and spent time in the mess. We spend half an hour or so running around in the freezing rain and jumping from puddle to puddle, finding joy in the madness. Going out into the physical storm caused the one in my mind to calm. I forgot, if only for a little while, that I had an uninvited houseguest waiting for me when I returned home.
My favorite part of a storm is when you can see the sunlight breaking through the clouds in the distance. Even though you are standing on your front porch soaking wet from the sideways rain and you are freezing because the wind is blowing hard enough to knock you off of your feet, you can see the sun up ahead. The clouds will pass, the rain will stop falling, and your clothes will dry. Even if you are unsure of how long you will have to sit in your wet clothes and even though the clouds seem like they have an endless supply of water, the sun is in sight. The good is on it’s way and soon enough it will move into your home and sleep on the pillow that the sadness once laid its head on, but until then, you have to go out and play in the rain. Jump in the puddles and get your shoes muddy and if you see your friend laying in bed avoiding the storm, drag them out of their bed and take them on an adventure. There is joy to be found in the storms.
