I went into training camp relatively confident in everything except the hike. 2.2 miles; 38 minutes; 40 pounds on my back. I knew it was coming and I was dreading it. Not because I just didn’t want to hike but because I was actually so scared of not being able to complete it. For those of you who don’t know, over the past year I have lost a little over 100 pounds. While this is something I am so incredibly proud of, I am still getting used to this new body and I am still discovering all of my capabilities and I haven’t gotten the confidence part down yet. Before the hike, I was physically shaking because I was so nervous. The scariest part about it to me was that we had to finish as a team. I was petrified of being the reason my teammates had to redo the hike. I’m going to tell you all a secret but you can’t tell my team because I don’t want to build up their ego, okay? My team is the only reason I finished that hike.
The entire first part of the hike was uphill- I would call it a mini Mt. Everest (i’m being dramatic). So there we are, 5 seconds into this, and my teammate Milly is holding my hand. We make it up Mt. Everest, I am trying to catch my breath and I am am pulled out of my own self deprecating thoughts by the voices of my entire team spewing encouragement left and right. I am silent at this point because I would have burst into tears with the mix of anxiety and lack of oxygen, so I just listen. Milly still has my hand, we are going downhill now and I am being flooded with positive words. Things are looking up. Then my teammates decided that we should run (like a lot) and that isn’t really my thing, you know? So my anxiety is back as high as it could possibly be and now I am just scared of running in front of other humans who are all depending on me to cross the finish line with them and I can’t be the person who makes us do the hike again and I can’t speak because I am going to cry if I speak and I can’t breathe because exercise and oh God oh God oh God oh God.
“Bailey, I’m right here.”
“Oh, Hi God, sorry I am a little busy here trying not to die, leave a voicemail or something… talk to you in 33 minutes…”
“Just let me walk with you.“
This is when everything in the hike shifted for me. My surroundings were still the same. I was still out of breath, soaked with sweat and panicked about the time but now the whole team was there. I had left Jesus at the starting line but He caught up with me. He wasn’t mad at me for leaving Him behind either. He just wanted to walk with me. So we start jogging again “just to the sign” and “just to the drive way” and “just to the light pole” and ALWAYS down hill. Everyone realized at this point that they can’t do it alone either whether that be because they need someone to cheer them on or because it doesn’t do them much good to go as fast as they can because we were all in this together, so we worked together. This really cool thing started to happen though- when Josh or Blake or Will or Meg or Milly or Jess would hold my hand (because they all did at some point) I just felt Jesus holding my hand. It wasn’t them anymore. He was walking with me and was holding my hand. When they would tell me “you’re strong enough to finish this” or “one more step, Bailey” I was hearing “you’re strong enough to finish this” and “one more step, Bailey.” When our mentor, Shad, was screaming at us from the side of the road “YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!” I heard that still, small voice saying “you heard him.” When Josh was giving me his water or when Blake was holding my water bottle, instead of trying to do it all on my own and resisting their help I just had a peace about me saying I sent them there to help you; let them. And when we climbed that last hill and Will (bless his heart) was actually physically dragging me up that slightly steeper Mt. Everest, I knew that Christ was so real and so present.
And to top it all off, when I was lying on the ground after having finished that hike with something ridiculous like 4 seconds to spare, I was able to be the most vulnerable and real I had been all week (vulnerability is NOT my strong suit). I poured my heart out while trying to not have a heart attack and then I ate my well deserved banana and I cried a little bit and I walked away from that hike more confident in myself and my God then I have ever been in my entire life. Turns out, I can do hard things, y’all!
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