A few years ago, I sat in a chair at my church during the worship set, crying my eyes out because my life had taken such an unplanned turn. I had planned to do incredible things, have an incredible life, and be married to the love of my life. I was working at a job I liked but didn’t want to stay in forever. My days were filled with ordinary, 9-5 kinds of things, I was overall dissatisfied with my life, and I ached for more.
The worship team played Oceans by Hillsong next. I didn’t just sing the words, but felt them in my soul.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find you in the mystery
In oceans deep my faith will stand
I didn’t feel like I was living my life in the waters, in deep oceans where I couldn’t do it on my own. I was living entirely in my own ability, never really needing God to intervene, because I could do it. There was no mystery in my life, no depth. Just yearning for more.
I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine
So I called upon the Lord. I promised to find rest in Him and asked Him to change my life. I asked Him to give me more, to challenge me, to get me to the point where I needed to hold onto Him for dear life in order to survive.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and you won’t start now
I knew God would give me grace when I fell short. I knew He would guide me and take me where He wanted me. I craved to be where my feet would fail and I would have to depend on God not to fail. I would have to depend on Him to help me go on.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my savior
These were the words that struck me the hardest. I wanted to go where my trust in the Lord would be uncontainable, overflowing, without end. I wanted to follow the Lord wherever He called me, knowing only He could take me as deep as I longed to be, where He wanted me to be. I knew it would be a journey of strengthening my faith, but that I’d be with my Jesus the whole way.
I heard this song again in Rwanda a few months ago. I was struck once again by the last few verses of this song. On the World Race, I find myself so much deeper than I ever could have wandered on my own. I never would have decided to come to Peru (or Bolivia, or Vietnam, or Nepal, or any of the 11 countries that will be stamped on my passport at the end of this year abroad.) I never would have been able to connect to the ministries I’ve had the opportunity to work with, or met the people who have captured pieces of my heart.
My faith is stronger than I ever imagined it would be. I’ve had some of my highest highs this year, and some of my lowest lows and through them all, I’m left with a smile on my face and assurance in my heart that God is good. ALL. THE. TIME.
I sit at the feet of my savior, gazing into His beautiful face every single day. I have experienced His heart this year and I will never be the same. I have been smashed to pieces, and gently re-crafted into something beautiful; something that looks a little more like Jesus.
A few years ago I prayed a big, scary, audacious prayer that God would wreck my life and turn it into a song of praise to Him.
And He did.
Has it been easy? Have I loved every minute of it? Has it been fun every day, and full of good feelings always?
Absolutely not.
But has it also been full of growth, love, excitement, heart-change, and joy?
Absolutely.
So here’s the point. I’m not perfect. I have not “arrived” and I never will, until I get to Heaven and greet my Savior face to face for real. I’m just a girl who prayed a prayer, and God heard me. He heard my desperate plea for more and answered.
God has gently broken me, pulling out what isn’t of Him, and replacing it with His love, His gifts, and His goodness. He took me on whirlwind romance of a journey. He taught me to obey, to seek Him first, to love Him more than my own life.
I’m still a hopeless sinner. But I’m a sinner who is madly in love with her Creator. God took me deeper and taught me about His character, about His love for His people, and that good always triumphs over evil in the end.
And now I’m walking a path I never would have found without His interference. And I’ve never been more grateful.
Momma, Dad, Sue, LB, Aussie, Skouty Girl- I had Papa Johns pizza today for lunch! It was just as good as in America. I miss you so much and look forward to hearing about how God worked in your lives this year. Try to remember all the important things! I can’t believe I get to hug you in just 2 and a half months!
