This word has been coming up in my life a lot lately. Bear with me as I venture to explain everything that it has represented in the last couple months and all that it will represent in the months to come.
First a little backstory. Three months before leaving on the Race I had a pretty big falling out with a couple of my friends from college. A series of circumstances that don’t really matter led to me, for all intents and purposes, losing two people who mattered a great deal to me. Simultaneously I was preparing to leave the United States for 11 months with a group of people who were virtual strangers. Not to mention that I would be leaving my family, the comfort of life in America, my full closet, a car to drive, etc. Looking back, I would gladly give these things up again and again, but in the moment, it was more than a little bit overwhelming. I didn’t realize it at the time, but, in hindsight, all of these factors left me living my life at a deficit.
Imagine this: the amount of happiness, fulfillment, and general self-worth I feel is like a cup with water in it. At the beginning of the Race, my cup was rendered half-full by all the events mentioned above. The feeling of abandonment from my friends and the voluntary abandonment of many other things, in essence, drained many parts of my life that brought me happiness. So, naturally, I went searching to fill my cup. Anything that would give me affirmation, anything that would make me happy, anything that would temporarily ‘fill’ my cup. Practically this meant searching out easy friendships, clinging to people that made me feel needed, and constantly—albeit subconsciously—seeking confirmation of my worth and value.
Being completely honest, this worked really well for me in many ways. Entering into a new season of life meant that my new community didn’t know me as well as my old one. They could rarely tell the difference between the authentic Amaris and the faux-authentic one. The fact that everyone was trying to find their niche in this new community made it easier for my brokenness to disguise itself as mere adjustment to the circumstances I found myself in. Heck, I even fooled myself most of the time. But as time went on, my façade started to crumble.
After three months, I was tired. I had been playing this game of affirmation and value seeking for too long. I started to notice old tendencies from a past version of myself that I didn’t like. The affirmation I was seeking never left me feeling affirmed, the feeling of rejection always outweighed the inclusion and acceptance. At the end of every day, I was empty. Many days I felt alone, despite the fact that I was surrounded by people almost all the time.
Here’s a portion of one of my journal entries from the first few days in Cambodia:
I feel like I’m striving. Striving to be noticed or included or wanted. I don’t like this version of myself. I don’t like how tired I get from playing all the games. I don’t like how insecure I get. What happened to the Amaris who was fine being on her own; who didn’t need to be included in every single little thing to feel good about herself? Where and when did my security about my identity in Christ wear away to cravings for fulfilment from human words and actions? How do you get what you know is true in your head to override what you feel is true in your heart?The months of pretending had finally caught up to me. My community was starting to notice the destructiveness of behavior. I couldn’t even fool myself anymore. The false self I had been living out of for almost 6 months was beginning to crack, and the brokenness of my true self was showing through.
For as long as I can remember, friendships have always held the utmost importance in my life. While some people struggle finding their worth in sports, boys, achievements, intelligence, or outward beauty, I always found mine in the amount and quality of friendships that I did or did not possess. In high school my biggest desire was to be well liked by everyone I encountered. Athlete, intellectual, life of the party, community service fanatic, youth group attendee, and more were the identities I took on; the masks that I wore. In fact, I compromised many of my beliefs in order to play all these roles successfully. So, when I got to college and started building friendships with the Lord as the foundation, I thought that my case of identity misplacement had been solved. Unfortunately, what I’ve found to be true as I continue my life as a follower of Jesus, is that the problems that the enemy afflicts you with often stay the same, they only reside at a deeper, less obvious layer.
That being said, losing these friendships struck at a more deeply rooted identity issue than I had ever experienced before. With the sincerest honesty, I can say that this season of my life carried so much heartbreak for me. Probably the most heartbreak I’ve ever felt in my life. While I believe that the deep loyalty and love I feel toward my friends is a gift from the Lord, I also think that He used this situation in my life to show me something very important about where we find our identity, value, and worth. In essence, the voice of my friends had overtaken the voice of the Lord in my life. When the love and affirmation from my friends was present, my worth and value was high. When the flow of affirmation was cut off, my value plummeted. Suddenly I felt rejected, less-than, and like I would never measure up.
And that’s where the Lord met me. He showed me tremendous amounts of grace as I walked through the healing process. He gave me amazing friends who picked me up every time I fell, and reflected the same love and mercy that the Lord has toward me. He showed me that I don’t have to strive for people’s approval, affirmation, or inclusion. God continually proved that He is the author of my identity. My value is found in His undying love for me, and because He is never changing, my worth remains as steadfast as His character. He told me over and over again that I am not an orphan; I am a child of God.
Now imagine this: my cup is full. I am no longer wandering from person to person in order to get a daily dose of affirmation or worth confirmation. I am confidently resting in the fact that I am wholly, completely loved by the Lord, and no amount of human acceptance or rejection can add to or remove what Abba has given.
I am living not out of lack but out of fullness.
Small follow-up to the story with my friends for those of you who have made it this far: God loves redemption & He has proven that in these relationships. So many days & nights my heart was pleading with God to redeem and restore my friendships to a better version of what they had been in the past, and He came through. A note for my friends: I love you guys so, so much. You are immensely important to the story that God has weaved in my life so far & I am confident that you will continue to play significant roles as it continues to be written. Thanks for sticking with me as I learned this incredibly hard, incredibly important lesson. Here’s to many more years of learning & growing together.
