Let me set the scene for you:
It’s 2:00am. I’m in a plane, 30,000ft above the rest of the world. Probably somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. On my way to Qatar. Eventually getting to India to start the first leg of this 11 month mission trip.
l was walking around, stretching my legs and talking to some of the people on my squad & one of them, Diana, asked me how i was feeling about all of this. In that moment i realized that it was really the first time that i had been able to actually think about the reality of what I’m doing. Here I am, 6 hours into a 14 hour flight, and completely unsure of what this next year is going to look like.
I told Diana that i was mostly excited but also a little bit anxious for everything we are about to encounter. I, for the first time, put into words that i knew that the life i desire is so different than any life i have lived so far. I realized that the apprehension is coming from knowing this, and realizing that the road to this new life is not going to be simple and easy. There are many things about the way i live now that cannot remain the same in order to attain what i am after. I can sense the numerous uncomfortable, character stretching situations that i will have to live through (and ultimately conquer) in order to reach said life.
I understood in that brief moment that a big reason for my apathetic attitude for the past 6 weeks is largely due to the fact that some part of me, deep down, knows that there are going to be so many ways in which i have to die to myself in order to fulfill the calling that lies ahead of me. And if i’m completely honest with myself, that does not sound like fun at this particular moment. It sounds like a lot of work that i would rather not put in. I physically feel this war going on in my flesh: half of me wants only to go through this year fighting solely for my comfort, and the other half is excited and ready to take this leap of faith and see God work his magic.
But the tricky part is actually fighting against the desire for comfort and submitting daily to the Gospel. That looks like everything from waking up early despite being tired to spend time in the word. Going out on a limb to talk to a stranger even when i want nothing more than to keep to myself. Pressing into the community that God has placed around me even when every introverted bone in my body is telling me to isolate myself. Fighting means counting the cause of the gospel more important than anything in my life.
I heard at some point in my spiritual walk that following (and i mean actually following) the Gospel is costly. It costs your life. Jesus says in Matthew 16 “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose in, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it”.
So i guess that’s it then. The question remains will i grasp desperately to my life and end up losing it anyway? Or will i surrender it willingly on the front end, and gain so much more than i could ever imagine?
What would this year be if not one for allowing myself to be continually reinvented to look more like Christ? This whole experience would be for not if i didn’t take advantage of each and every moment, of every opportunity, and of every person that God gifts me with. Because of that, i am here, surrendering my expectations of this next year to the Almighty. Trusting that his promises are true, and that he will do immeasurably more in my life thank i could ever ask or imagine.
